Hi.I’ve been with my girlfriend for 1 year and 2 months. I have been pretty happy with her until recently. She says she wants to wait for the ‘perfect time’ to have sex. This makes me kind of frustrated, but I have never pushed her into anything she doesn’t want to do.I accept it and don’t rush her at all. But, is there anything I can do to make her more interested in having sex?????
You asked me if there is something you can do to make your girlfriend more interested in sex. The question you ask presumes that her reluctance to have sex is due to a lack of interest. We don’t know for a fact that lack of interest is the problem at all. Clearly she is resistant to engaging in sex and she expresses the resistance by saying that she’s waiting for the ‘perfect time, ‘ which never happens to arrive. What we need to do is ask her to talk about what is causing her resistance. Keep in mind that most resistances are unconscious in nature, which means that the person is clueless of the existence of the resistance and what is causing it. Asking her to explore the question, will knock on the door of her unconscious and little by little the door will unlock and she will be able to enter into her own psyche and know what is going on inside her head. Then and only then will she know be able to uncover the cause of her resistance, which is the first step toward resolving it. I will give you some clues as to the cause of her resistance, so that when you speak with her you will be able to nudge her in the right direction. She may avoid sex because she associates physical closeness with danger. Danger can be in many forms. She may fear rejection or abandonment, and her mind may think that holding back physically will protect her from becoming too attached and even more hurt when you leave her. She may fear having sex because she has been physically molested. She may fear getting close physically because her self isn’t fully developed, hence she may be afraid that giving herself physically will result in her self being swallowed up, lost or devoured somehow. This kind of problem arises when a person was raised by an overbearing parent who crippled the child’s developing self. The list goes of possible causes goes on and on. Just start talking to her and see what comes up for her. Talking is the main way that we resolve these types of resistances. If you get stuck let me know and perhaps I can talk to her.