i am 23, my high school sweetheart and i were together for 7 years. we aren’t considered a ‘couple’ now, but have stayed sexually connected together and i still love him so very much! the problem is he doesn’t want to be with me anymore, says he loves me, but isn’t in love with me.i know that i need to stop sleeping with him, but i am unable to turn him down. sometimes i feel like he don’t want me, but doesn’t want anyone else to have me either. i have a guy friend and we talk daily, but no sex, my ex gives me a hard time wondering when my friend and i are going to hook up and accuses my of being sexually active with him. he breaks my heart when he starts in on me.i know i need to get over him and cut all ties, but how? i love him so dearly. it is scares me to even think of letting go.what should i do? i’m heartbroken.
I am sorry that you are suffering. Nothing hurts more than loving a man who doesn’t want you. He treats you like an emotional toilet bowl, using you for sex, then flushing you away. Then he gives you grief over having contact with other men.The problem as I see it is that you are volunteering for his abuse. The reason why you tolerate his mistreatment is due to your disabling fear of letting him go. As bad as you suffer by having contact with him, you seem to think that you would suffer even more if you were to let him go.Our first step is to figure out exactly why you are so afraid of letting him go. Are you afraid of being alone? Are you afraid that no one else will want you? When you find the answer to your question, you will understand the exact nature of your fear.To resolve your fear, you need to trace its origin. For example, if you discover that you are afraid that no one else will like you, figure out where this feeling originates from. Did you feel unloved by your parents? As you keep digging and unearthing thoughts, feelings, and memories, you are going to see that the problem you are experiencing with this man is just a smokescreen for your underlying issues.My sense is that you felt unloved as a kid, which naturally created feelings of low self-esteem (if my parents don’t love me, then there must be something wrong with me). This type of early experience would prime you to find someone who treats you with contempt and disregard–which you think is the way you should be treated. Low self-esteem would also keep you coming back for more since you don’t feel worthy of better treatment.You also have abandonment issues. Your fear of being without him reminds me of kid who is afraid of being left alone. Being alone is one of the most painful experiences for a child and I sense that you cling to this man rather than experience the terrible aloneness that you lives as a child. You wont be able to let him go until you face your fear of being alone and allow yourself to feel these feelings. You survived feeling alone in childhood, so you surely will survive these feelings again.As you allow yourself to face these feelings of emptiness, you will find yourself growing in amazing ways. This growth will pave the way for a new and better relationship with someone who wants you.Your problem isn’t one that can be solved by yourself alone. I suggest that you begin group therapy and develop relationships with people who love you. Soon you will feel better about yourself and you wont tolerate his crap anymore. You will feel ready to move on and the ending will happen organically–because you’re ready not because you are forcing the ‘right’ decision on yourself.Just start to grow yourself and he will vanish from your life without effort, like a rotted pear that drops from the vine.
