Dear Dr Love,My boyfriend and I have lived off and on with each other for 4 years. Our last seperation was over him spending too much time with his friends, drinking too much and not able to find a job. He has held a job since he was 19. So I can understand a little unemployment.So we talked so things out, and he now spends most of his evenings with me and I don’t complain about him going fishing with his friends, I find that harmless, better than bars. And he now has a great job, and has cut way back on drinking.I really feel this is the one, but we still fight over money, sex and respecting one another. Please assure me that these are normal. And assure me my relationship is in the right direction. .thank you for any advice you may have. .
You have asked me whether it is normal to be fighting over the issues that you list above. Couples fight over any issue you can imagine.What you fight about isn’t what matters, it’s how you fight that counts. If you are fighting improperly, fights go unresolved, which means that you are going to be habitually fighting about the same issues and topics.So the issue isn’t what you fight about but rather how often you fight about the same thing. If your fights drone on like a broken record, you are experiencing what is called ‘stability of conflict, ‘ and this isn’t a good thing. The longer your fights go unresolved, the more heated the conflict is going to become, and the less and less likely it will be fore you guys to ever achieve resolution.So, go back to square one and learn how to fight right. Read my book and learn how to properly communicate your gripes using my XY Formula which consists of stating what was said or done and how you feel about it. Conclude your statement with a suggestion for what you would prefer in the future.To resolve your conflicts you are also going to need to become excellent listeners so that the person who is stating his/her gripe feels well heard and understood, which is vital to resolving most issues.Do the work I outline in the book and you will be fine.
