I have been in a relationship with a 23 year old girl for about 2 years now. I’m going to complete my English degree in June this year and my girlfriend is a secondary school drop out.A few days ago I took one step forward to ask my parents about this girl and tell them that I want her to be my wife. My parents refuse to give me a go ahead because this girl has not had enough education. But I love her so much. My dream is to spend my whole life with her.My mom, aunty & sisters somehow accept how I feel, but the real obstacle is daddy. Please help me. I’m at a crossroad. I really love her, but also I have to listen to my parents.
I understand how upset you are. It’s very painful to have parents who don’t support your choices.I am sure that you are quite accustomed to your parents telling you how to live your life. In fact, you seem to have accepted that it is your job in life to be a ‘good son’ and obey them. You said, yourself, ‘I have to listen to my parents.’ I know that your parents have raised you to believe that you must obey them at all times, but this simply isn’t so. In fact, your parents are raising you incorrectly!Your parents’ job isn’t to dictate to you and impose their opinions on you. Good parents encourage their children to gradually separate from them and make their own choices in life. Your parents are controlling you in ways that have crippled you to the core and have prevented you from fully growing up.If you read your letter, you will see that you sound like a young boy who must listen to his ‘daddy’ or else. The ‘or else’ means, if you don’t obey you risk that dad will withdraw his love. Love that is so conditional isn’t real love at all. You also must realize that your parents’ conditional love has turned you into an emotional slave.I understand the motivation behind your obeying their every word: annihilating your true self is done with the unconscious hope that if you are obedient enough that they will one day truly love you. The truth is, no amount of self sacrifice will ever win their unconditional love. Their love comes with strings and you are the puppet on that string.You need to think long and hard about whether or not you are willing to give up your beloved. Even this ultimate sacrifice will not yield the love you crave. If you give in to this demand, you will be selling your soul to the devil. Your parents will have you for life. What will they want you to sacrifice next? If you give in, you still won’t have their unconditional love, you will have lost your self as well as lost your beloved. So where can you go from here?The first step is to point out to your parents that their attempts to control and direct your life isn’t allowing you to grow up. Tell them they need to give you room to make your own choices and still love you all the same. Standing up to them is vital. If there’s any hope of obtaining the love that you always wanted from them it’s not by wiping yourself out, but rather by standing up to them.If they refuse to see the truth of what I’m saying, you can insist that they come with you to family therapy. If they refuse that, then you will be faced with the hard choice of choosing to listen to your self, not to them, come what may or continuing this unhealthy pattern. I sense that they will come around if you take this to the mat and stand up to them.Please let me know what happens.
