Hi Dr. Love.I am a mature 19 year old woman and for 10 months I’ve been with my first love. At the beginning of this relationship he gave me everything and asked for nothing in return and I in return tried my best to make him happy, but he cheated.I stayed in the relationship but became very very jealous insecure, stressed and depressed. I have hit rock bottom. Crying uncontollably not accomplishing my goals and having no life of my own.I constantly check his calls, his voicemail and even his car mileage. I am so emotionally attached that I cant leave but staying is driving me into a deep depression.What advice can you offer me. Im desperate to be happy.
I am very worried about you. The fact that you are crying all the time and can’t function means that you need to consider taking an antidepressant, just to get you back on your feet.Talk to your family doctor and get a referral to a psychiatrist or psychopharmacologist. At the same time begin therapy. Individual and group therapy would be ideal for you.Here’s what I think is happening to you. When an upsetting thing happens, the unconscious mind associates the current event with similar traumatic experiences from the past. When a current event lines up with a similar event from our early life, all the old feelings from the past come barreling to the surface and emotional fireworks start going off.This explains why you are having such a strong reaction to his behavior. Clearly he has ripped open an old wound from your childhood. Your first job in therapy is to see how his cheating and pulling away lines up with a similar experience from when you were young.Who gave you all and then abandoned you? Perhaps you had a mother who was good at handling you as an infant and then pulled away from you when you began to separate from her?Keep in mind that the pain you are suffering is a blessing in disguise. It is the mind’s way of nudging you to heal the unhealed wounds within yourself. Thanks to his behavior, your wounds and the painful feelings attached to them are now available for you to work with and heal.You are probably going to find out that your unconscious mind knew all along that this guy was an abandoner and your unconscious chose him precisely so that you could go to this rock bottom place, reexperience the original wound, and heal yourself. As you go through this remarkable journey, you are going to be amazed at how you transform.The type of man that you choose next time around will be totally different. When you don’t need to replay the abandonment of your childhood, you will no longer be drawn to abandoning boyfriends.So hang in there and let the healing begin.