Dear Dr. Love,I have been married to my husband for the last 9 years and we have 2 kids. My marriage almost broke down 3 years ago due to some personal problems my hubby and I had encountered.Due to the marriage breakdown, I fell for another man deeply who I met made love and shared a very intense passion, something that I couldn’t forget until this time. I am still with my hubby but I do not desire him anymore.When he wants to have sex with me, I feel so dirty and I feel like I’m committing a crime. I don’t want to touch his crotch like I used to do and I do not even want him to touch me. I am not satisfied with the way he makes love to me, its always short – I wanted a wild love which I have been telling him to do to me, but he can never satisfy me.What’s the problem? Is it me or he?
It is clear that your husband isn’t meeting your sexual needs. As you read on you are going to see that I think that you have conflicting desires within yourself. Your desires are so very conflictual that when your husband responds to one side of yourself he is necessarily not responding to the other side of you. Let me explain.You said that you feel dirty and like you are committing a crime when you have sex with your husband. This remark makes me think that you have deep seated sexual conflicts. On the one hand you want to be wild, and on the other hand you feel dirty about your wild side.Did you marry a man who is inhibited so that he would help you to keep yourself in check? Notice that you allowed yourself to have a brief and wild affair with a man who you didn’t stay with (because you couldn’t allow yourself to be that sexual all the time?); and you came back to a husband who doesn’t meet your sexual needs (because you aren’t willing to allow yourself to be that sexually free?).I know you say that he is the one who holds back with you, but don’t be so sure that he isn’t responding to cues from you that tell him to hold back. Becoming less conflicted about your sexuality is crucial to moving past your impasse.When you are comfortable with your wild side, you will send out a clear and unconflicted message to your husband that tells him that he can be wilder with you. After you have accepted your wild side, you are going to need to recognize and resolve your anger toward him.Realize that you hold your husband responsible for not having been wild enough with you. Your anger has gone underground and it seems to have resurfaced in the form of indifference and even repulsion for him.If we give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he wasn’t wilder with you because he was being responsive to your deeper unconscious wish to rein in your sexuality, then much of your anger should dissipate. I think that he was trying to be responsive to you, only he didn’t know which wish to respond to–the wild side or the side that wanted to be held in check.Once you have made peace with your sexuality, you will be ready to give your husband a full steam ahead message about what you want sexually. When you tell him what you want, avoid two common pitfalls. Don’t nag at him for what he hasn’t or isn’t doing right. Nagging always backfires, because it enrages the person being nagged at and makes him feel less rather than more giving. State directly what you want.The second pitfall to avoid is being vague rather than specific. Saying that you want wild love isn’t a clear communication since the word wild surely means different things to different people. I bet if you ask him what he thinks wild means to you, he won’t have a clue.Don’t expect him to guess, give him clear, behavioral descriptions of what you want from him sexually. Reward him with praise and he will be encouraged to try even harder (no pun intended). As for his not being able to prolong lovemaking, premature ejaculation can be resolved using specific techniques. You can consult with a sex therapist who can show him how to wait longer using the squeeze and/or the stop-start techniques.Let me know how you do.