Dear Dr. Love,I have just recently broken up with my partner of 2 years. About a month ago we had decided to take a break to settle everything in our lives outside of our relationship, such as school and work. The stress level was unbelievable and we were not getting along. Although during the break we still had constant communication.Anyway one night I had left work early and went to see her at her job, and she was talking to another man. I sat in my car and watched for a few minutes, as he stood up and started to leave she kissed him goodbye. She then noticed me and started screaming and apologizing to me asking me not to go. Well a few days later I recieved a call from her saying how she loved me and wanted things to work, that she was with him out of a need for comfort in our rough times. I could have easily walked away, but I do Love her so I decided to try and work things out.After a day or two she said she was confused and needed space to figure out if I was what she wanted. So we did. She then called me the following Monday and asked me to see her at work. I again finished up early and went to see her, and the same guy was sitting down talking to her and it didn’t phase her that I walked in. It phased her when I gave her our apartment key and said goodbye. She then again got in touch with me and said she missed me and wanted me back, like a fool I didnt want to walk away, so I talked to her and told her that ‘as of know I cant trust her, but maybe we can work this out’ She agreed. Well 2 days later she says she loves me, but she can’t be with me. She continually calls to remind me that she loves me. I am so confused, I love her, but I don’t know what to do.
No wonder you feel confused. Your girlfriend is treating you like a human yo-yo. Obviously she is very conflicted about whether or not to stay in the relationship with you. What concerns me is the fact that she is torturing you. She tells you to meet her at work and sets you up to find her kissing some guy right under your nose. Doesn’t this piss you off?If she needs comfort about the problems in your relationship, she should be talking with you or a therapist. Either she is willing to invest in working on this relationship with you or she isn’t. Which is it? The problem here is that your girlfriend is expressing her emotional confusion in behavior. She breaks up, starts over, breaks up. No relationship is possible when feelings are acted out in the is way. She needs to be told that you expect her to put her feelings into words with you. If she can’t commit to sticking with you during these hard times, and not breaking up every time she has intolerable feelings, then you will need to face the painful fact that this girl is not capable of a relationship. If she doesn’t understand the difference between feelings and actions, ask her to go to counseling with you.Bottom line is this: You need to be protected from her erratic behavior. I want you to insulate yourself from her on-again-off-again routine. I know you love her, but you may need to take a break until she resolves her ambivalence. Also, I want you to examine why you might be attracted to a woman that lures you in, then drops you, lures you in, then drops you again. What scar from your past is this pattern repeating?Best of luck to you. I hope she sticks with you. Let me know how it works out.
