Dear Dr. Love,I am having a hard time dealing with this situation. I have read several books and have asked several people on their thoughts and I still can’t seem to find an answer. I have been dating a guy for 2 months. We talked on the phone at least twice a week and spent the weekends and at least one week night together during this time.One week ago yesterday, we went out to dinner, he showed me where he grew up and we had a wonderful time. I thought he was being extremely affectionate that night and when I left him, his kisses lasted a lot longer than usual. He told me he would call me the next day………and I haven’t heard from him since. I have tried to get ahold of him 3 times, but he hasn’t returned my calls or pages.I need some advice on what could possibly be his problem. I can handle not being with him, but I can’t handle not knowing why. I don’t want to try and call him again. I feel I deserve an explanation, but I don’t want to bug him. I didn’t get much help from my Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus book and I thought you could help.Don’t worry about hurting my feelings either. I need to know something so I can get on if possible.Thank you,Wondering
No wonder you’re wondering. This guy kissed and didn’t tell…you why he took off.My impression is that he became terrified by the level of intimacy that was developing between you two. You said yourself that on the last night you were together, he was more affectionate than he had ever been before. It is very likely that he could not tolerate the debth of feeling that swelled inside him. Why?Many men and women suffer from a fear of intimacy. These fears almost always stem from problems that we experienced in our relationships with parents and/or other family members.The fear of intimacy and closeness is caused by even deeper unconscious fears of: dependency, loss of control, abandonment, self-annihilation, and commitment. (See my Advice Archives under fear of intimacy, for a more thorough understanding of all the underlying reasons why people are afraid of intimacy.)In addition to a fear of intimacy, this guy also uses one of the most primitive defenses going–avoidance. Instead of facing you and telling you what his problem is, he runs for the hills. Young children run away when the poop hits the fan. So, we now have a clear picture that this guy is also very emotionally immature.So, basically, we’re dealing with a scared, sick pup. You did nothing wrong. And, now that you understand more about his issues, you should be able to put this to rest.Next time, before you become involved, make sure to test the guy that you are interested in using my Ready For Love? test. This test will help you weed out a person that suffers from fatal relationship flaws–and fear of intimacy is one of the most fatal flaws of all.I won’t wish you better luck next time. Because using my test will remove the’luck’ or’chance’ element from the equation.All the best.