Dr. Love: I have been dating a wonderful woman for the past two and a half months. Everything was going great, moving really fast. Than out of the blue she calls me and tells me that she doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now.For the past week and a half I have been trying to get more of a detailed reason from her with no success. Important info for you is I am 32 and she is 25 years old.I think we had a really good relationship – I know I never hit it off so well with anyone before. And we have so much in common that it just seemed like we were meant for each other. And I think she was experiencing the same feelings.I am just trying to figure out why she broke it off and if it is something that can be dealt with. My personal feeling is that she got scared at how fast things were moving and didn’t know how to handle it. What are your thoughts on this situation? And what can I do to try to get her back?
You have a real predicament.If you are right, and it is true that this woman is afraid of getting close, then pressing her for explanations as to why she pulled away will feel like you are breathing down her neck, which means she will pull away farther. So, what can you do?You can pull away yourself and be distant, hoping that as you give her room to breathe that she may come in closer again. Realize that even if this technique works, she will probably pull away again when you become too close for comfort.Another option is to go for broke, and call it like you see it. In this case, you would tell her, ‘I noticed that you ran for the hills as soon as we got close. What’s scaring you about getting close to me?’She will probably deny being afraid, in which case, you’d have to say something like, ‘You are sure an exception, since every human being is scared of getting close.’ If you can get her talking, then you have a chance to help her work through her terror.If she agrees to talk more, give her hints about what might be frightening her. Fear of rejection, dependency, vulnerability, etc. . You might also tell her that she can run but she can’t hide from this issue. Unless she wants to spend her entire life alone, sooner or later she is going to need to face these fears and work them through. Why not work them through with you?Good luck. This is a very hard problem to work with. Unless she is willing to admit her problem and work on it, there is little for you to do.By the way, I noticed from your signature that you are from New Jersey. I will be doing a book signing for my new book, Till Death Do Us Part ( Unless I Kill You First) at Barnes and Noble in Clifton NJ (Clifton Commons, Route 3) on January 17th at 8 pm.Why don’t you stop by and tell me how you made out in person.
