Dr. Lovehows it going, am a 21 year old guy and it seems every time am with a girl, i tend to get attitudes and push them away, why do u think that is?Another question i have for you is the girl am seeing now every time i say when am i gonna see you all she says is i don’t know, how do i approach that?
You push girls away because you have mixed feelings about getting close. Your mixed feelings are probably due to experiences that you had as a young boy during your formative years.These early years of life are called formative precisely because they form or shape your character and determine how you will respond later in life. If your early relationships didn’t go well, you would be hesistant to get close to people as an adult.There are many things that could have gone wrong. You could have been abused, put down, neglected, rejected, abandoned, all of which would make you hesitate to become close to anyone. You also could have been smothered, controlled or dominated, which also would make you hesitate to get too near anyone. You also may have observed your parents fighting or perhaps they even split up, both of which would be enough to make you gun shy of having a relationship of your own.What you need to do is think about your childhood and how you felt about your mom and dad, , how you felt about how they treated each other and how they treated you. When you identify the source of what went wrong, you now know why you push girls away.Talking in therapy is a good way to sort out all your feelings and free yourself from the past so that you are ready to love in the present. As for this girl that you like who sends you mixed signals, it sounds like you have met your emotional twin.Keep in mind that if we come up with a formula that encourages her to try getting closer to you, then you are going to have to deal with your own fear of closeness and you will need to resist the temptation to push her away.If you really want to try to get with her, then say, ‘I notice that whenever I ask when can I see you, you say, ‘I don’t know. ‘ I get the idea that you have some real mixed feelings about whether or not you want to get to know me better–I can sure relate to the feeling of being scared to get close. My question is should I keep on pursuing you or do you want me to give up?’That’s a good way to open up the discussion with her and get her talking about her own reluctance. If nothing else, you could be very helpful to each other in that you both are struggling with the same issue and talking together about your fears is a very healing experience.Let me know how you make out.