Dear Dr. Love:I have caught my boyfriend looking at gay porn, answering personal ads for couples looking for a third that is male, joining Internet clubs for Gay Sex in our city. I have confronted him every time and asked if he is gay or bisexual, and he swears ‘no, I’m not gay or bi’and claims he was just playing around because he was bored.I love him so much and aside from these things, our year and half relationship has been the best I’ve ever had. BUT, I am now having nightmares about seeing him having sex with men. I am getting depressed about it frequently, and I am reluctant to go any further emotionally in this relationship.Is this my problem to deal with, or am I blind to having a gay boyfriend?
If you’ve been reading my column for a while you know that human beings are bisexual by nature. Most heterosexuals are frightened to admit their homosexual desires, so they sit on them (no pun intended).A few enlightened individuals accept their urges and leave it at that. Heterosexuals who choose to remain in monogamous relationships have two choices: to live in denial about their urges; or own their urges, but not act on them.Your boyfriend sounds like a person who isn’t able to own his urges, yet he is on the verge of acting on them. Responding to personal ads seeking a male partner is surely acting on his urges. And, no, I don’t buy that he is simply bored. Many people are bored and they don’t respond to such ads. You need to get him to examine his behavior.It sounds to me like he is in denial. He doesn’t want to admit to himself just how much he wants to be with a man. Since he can’t admit this to himself, then he can hardly admit it to you. You also need to find out if he would tell you before he acts out. Otherwise you are in physical and emotional danger.Can you trust him to control his behavior? Can you trust him to be honest enough to clue you in before he acts? Your answers to these questions are very important.Meanwhile, be careful.