My wife and I have been married since ’95, but have been living together about eight years. We are both 29. We have a 15 month old very well behaved little boy.Our sex life has been a little less than regular (not just since we had the boy) and I am starting to get extremely aggravated. I am a very sexual person, (I think about sex a lot), and I would like to have sex with my wife more than once a month, which is what we are averaging. In fact, I would enjoy about once a day.We have talked about our problem and my wife insists that she still finds me attractive. She did say that she’s scared I’ll leave her, which came out of nowhwere. I have never been unfaithful, and I am always very nice about the subject. . . I never say anything like ‘You better start screwin’me or I’m outta here!’.I make very good money and my wife is a stay-at-home Mom. So that ‘s the situation. To me it sounds ideal. The only thing I can think of is that she has a bit of a self-confidence issue, and maybe she thinks I don’t find her attractive. To me that ‘s nuts, ’cause I am constantly coming on to her with a big throbbing erection, (making it pretty obvious I’m attracted).I don’t know what to do.My wife knew me way back when before we were dating, and knows I love sex, and she knows a couple of my ex’s were nearly insatiable, so its not like she didn’t know going in. And we are both good at sex, too, we both love oral, she swallows, I know right where her clit is and lick her to writhing cums, so we have more and better than average foreplay.Is our sex life just tired? Is she becoming a cold fish?Any help you can offer would be greatly appreciated.Thanks.
You are in a tight spot!My biggest clue in your question was the comment that your wife made about being afraid that you’ll leave her.Is this a test? To see how much you’ll put up with before dumping her? You said that she doesn’t like herself much, which leads me to believe that she is thinking, ‘He’ll never stay with me, I’m not good enough’. It also sounds to me like she would rather die by her own sword.If she can push you away by not giving you sex, then she has some control over her ‘abandonment’. She will know when it’s coming and why, instead of waiting around for the ax to fall when she least expects it.It does sound to me like she is locked in an unconscious attempt to protect herself from the inevitable rejection from you. By pushing you away before you can dump her, her mind is trying to spare her pain.But unconscious defensives, while designed to protect us, actually end up causing us even more pain because her defense may actually get her dumped.At this point, what you need to do is lay out for her what I explained above and make her become conscious of the unconscious pattern. If becoming conscious isn’t sufficient to resolve the issue, then go together to marriage counseling.What you need to find out is this: Is there something that you are saying or doing that is heightening her fear of abandonment? And, I would ask her this question. You might also get her to link of the fear with her history, and, ask her to compare and contrast you with the people who abandoned her when she was young.If she can distinguish you from the people who hurt her in the past, she may be able to resolve her feeling that you will dump her like all the rest.Good luck with this. Let me know what happens.
