You seem to blame parents for a lot of things. I have wonderful parents who did not verbally, sexually or phsyically abuse me. My husband of ten years, however, had a bad childhood and his parents are a wreck. He often calls my family the Brady Bunch.I am 43 and my husband is 33. He wants sex more often than I do. When we have sex, it is great. I usually have multiple orgasms, but I just don’t desire it as often as he does. Now he is threatening to leave me because he wants sex more often.I really love him and hope that he will stay. I told him I will do anything to save our marriage – even if it means having sex when I really don’t want to. (The thing is when we start, I usually change my mind because it gets better right away).He (like so many guys) looks at porno on the internet and that makes me feel inadequate. That is a serious turn off for me. I don’t feel like I can live up to what he sees in the pictures. I’m not unattractive and he tells me I turn him on a lot.
First of all, let me address your comment about my blaming parents.The fact is that despite their best intentions all parents make mistakes. The goal isn’t to lay blame, point fingers or harbor grudges. The point is awareness, to recognize one’s issues and to heal them, so that we make sure to stop passing wounds from generation to generation.In this way, each of us plays a part in making each new generation healthier, and the world a better and more loving place.As for your issue. It isn’t clear what your husband ‘s problem is. You have agreed to give him sex, even when you aren’t in the mood. But he still seems upset. So, I have to think that he is harboring resentment over your past refusals.If this is so, then listen and understand his hurt using the techniques that I outline in my new book, Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First). This should help.I also have the idea that your husband is confusing sex and love. Since he comes from a dysfunctional family, he probably didn’t feel sufficiently loved by his parents. Your refusals were misinterpreted by him as lack of love.In Till Death I talk about how people who are emotionally damaged tend to distort the meaning of their partner’s words and actions, assigning a negative or rejecting slant to even innocent actions. It would be good to remind him that sometimes a cigar is a cigar.Meaning, that sometimes a lower sex drive is just that and nothing more.Also, you might want to ask him if he would be happy (and not feel rejected) if, when you aren’t in the mood, you were to give him pleasure in non-intercourse ways. Keep reminding him that you love him, especially when your sex drive is anemic.As for your own concern regarding his porno interests. Realize that men are not biologically programmed for monogomay. In fact, the survival of the species depended on men impregnating as many women as possible.Modern civilization has imposed monogamy on men, which goes against their nature. Pornography satisfies their biological craving for variety, while allowing them to remain faithful to the wives that they love. So, keep his porno in perspective.Regarding your feeling threatened by the beautiful women that he sees. Yes, there will always be women with perkier nipples or tighter buns. But, he married you, not your nipples.Besides, sooner or later we all droop and sag, and when a man loves a woman, he loves all of her, inside and out, including her flaws. Unless your husband is completely superficial, and views you as a slab of meat and nothing more, you have little to fear.After listening, understanding and reminding him that you love him, you should make lots of headway.Let me know how you make out.
