Well, I guess this is my first step to getting help. I feel extremely moody, almost depressed. My mind plays tricks on me and makes me think that everyone is out to get me and mainly hurt me. I am so extremely afraid of getting hurt by anyone, that I fight. Basically, it’s like ‘let me hurt you before you hurt me’.The main problem is with my b/f. We have been together for 6 months, I care for him more than anything I can imagine. He and I are great together except when my insecurities come through and I get jealous of nothing (things my mind is telling me. . . that darkenss)Now, he has been very patient with me and now he feels smothered and needs a little space. It is as though he just wants space away from one another (physically). I take it as we will talk on the phone but we will keep our distance physically and slow downMy only problem, once again my mind playing tricks on me, I am so afraid that he will get a little distant from me and keep getting distanced more and more. I know I do need to step back but I also need to not feel this pain.What should I tell myself to make myself feel better? What do I do to make myself feel better? I hurt so bad and can’t seem to contain this pain, I do not want to turn hard on him or anyone else, either.Er. . . do you need to know more to tell me anything? Thanks
There is a reason why you expect to be hurt by others. Someone hurt you very badly when you were growing up. Childhood is called the formative years because what happens to you when you are young marks you for life. You have been hurt, abused, mistreated, and victimized when you were young, and your mind has taught you to expect this treatment as an adult.The problem here is you are making history repeat itself by pasting your expectations on your boyfriend. By accusing him of evil intent, you will eventually see to it that history repeats itself. He is already beginning to pull away from you.The question is what can you do to stop all this? You must enter therapy now so that you can learn to separate past feelings from present reality. You will need to revisit the important events of your childhood, bring up the feelings that you had then, and work them through.Until you do, the past will reappear at every turn and in every relationship. You need to understand that every adult on the planet comes to marriage (or a significant love relationship) with the wounds of childhood just barely scarred over. When your partner says or does something that reminds you of a similiar hurt from your parent(s), your unconscious mind reacts as though you were standing in front of your parent. And, whammo, all the old anger and hurt that you couldn’t tell your parent comes leaping out, landing directly on your partner’s head.The only way out is to become conscious. When you have a strong reaction to your boyfriend, you need to step back and realize that your unconscious mind is associatin the current event with past hurts. Your intense emotional reaction to your boyfriend is your clue that intense feelings from the past are being dredged up.The problem is that you don’t realize what’s going on. When you are with your boyfriend, you are filled with feeling and don’t know where the feeling is coming from, and who the feelings are truly directed at.In your confusion, you think that you are having all these feelings for your boyfriend. He is merely a backdrop onto which you are projecting your past.Before you know it, you are accusing him, suspecting him, and meanwhile the poor guy doesn’t know what hit him. To break free, you must separate past from present.When you feel upset with your boyfriend, step back and ask yourself what about my boyfriend’s words or actions reminds me of my childhood?Bring up a memory, and recall how you felt. Then, take a hard look at reality. Ask yourself is your boyfriend different from the person(s) who hurt you in the past?If your answer is yes, then give him the benefit of the doubt and don’t automatically assume that he is going to damage you like the ghosts from your past did.Once you are able to realize that your boyfriend is merely triggering feelings from the past, you are ahead of the game. You might even decide to share what is going on inside you, by describing the childhood memory that his behavior triggered.By telling him about your past, instead of accusing him in the present, you are accomplishing two things: you are actively healing your old wounds, and you are saving your relationship.
