I met a man at a bar. I know, that ‘s a bad place. But I was there ONLY to meet a girlfriend at the local SAFE neighborhood hangout. It was early in the evening around 8 pm but she never showed up. So I was sittting between two retirees and just laughing and having a good time. A guy from the end of the bar sent me over a drink. I had not even noticed him. He was clean (this is a boating and construction area and most people come in pretty dirty). I nodded my thanks and went on with the converstation with the retirees.When I got up to leave, as I passed by the man I thanked him for the drink. He asked to walk me out and I told him that it was not necessary but he opened the door for me. He asked if he could call me. I told him that I would be around the shopping center, etc, that he would probably see me again. I drive a noticeable car and am easily spotted.Well we had a really serious relationship going for about 18 months. We had weddding plans made. We announced our plans to get married when we sent Christmas cards in 1996. He sold his house and moved in with me. Then he changed. (we had not gotten married yet)He started drinking and getting in trouble at his job. He would get mad at his boss and and leave!!! I talked to him and he said that he was depressed and that he was on prescription paxel. He said he really hated his job. I recommended him for a job where I work and he was hired. He seemed to be really happy for about 3 months and then I found out he was drinking again because he would come home after working and be arguementative. He would be sitting on the couch at 10 pm at night and just get up and walk out and go to a bar.He didn’t come inone night so I 3 am I went out looking for him, afraid that he would try to drive drunk. I found him in the front seat of his truck parked outside the ‘pick-up’ neighborhood bar. He had a women in the front seat with him making out. He has become increasing violent and drinking more and more. He accused me of being unfaithful and said he was drinking and violent because of my behavior. That I provoked it. He trashed by house one night, appx. $10, 000 worth of damage. I did not report it to the police because I tried to get him to see a doctor.I went and talked to a counselor about him. I had him move out of my house. But he still gets drunk and calls and threathens me and now he even called my mother last night at !:30 am and told her that I was doing drugs and that was how my house got damaged : That I was out ofcontrol and did not even remember doing it!! I am employed in a professio nal position where I am subject to random drug testing. I do not use drugs but now I think he must be.He has called and left messages on my recorder that he is going to kill me and named a friend of mine that he says he is going to kill. He called this mornng after a night of tirade on the phone and said he was going to kill my mother because she had called his ex-wife’s house and said she had received a harrassing phone call from that number the night before. My mother is no dummy and has caller ID.If I report this guy to the cops then he will lose his job immediately. He needs the insurance to cover medical bills, he says that he is undergoing cancer tratment right now. I don’t know whether to believe that or not. He also needs insurance to cover counseling if he ever decides to get it. I know I am protecting him and I probably should not. He was at some bar lastnight and called me at 2 am and called me a fatb—h, cu-t, wh—, then handed the phone to some young girl whoproceeded to tell me tht she was sucking him off while he talked to me and then she also called me the same names as he did. I had the call traced and plan on making a harrassing phone call complaint.I have talked to and been to counseling sessions at the local abuse shelter. ‘ What other precautions should I take? What is the pattern for this sort of personality? Since the O. J. thing, — around here. they force the women into counseling and give the guy a piece of paper that says don’t come around. Many women get killed on their way home from the counseling sessions. I don’t want to be forced to attend counseling when I have been going on my own because of this man, but the homicide division won’t ttalk to me and keeps referring me to domestic abuse office becaliuse they say that since He ved with me at one time then it comes uder domestic abuse.I have changed my locks, changed my phone number which he already got, changed my work office. He is now getting violent even when he has not been drinking. I am trying to get a job in another state, even though my family is here. . What should I do until I can relocate. We’re not kids, we are both 43 years old.
You are in a terrifying situation. What I still can’t understand is why you feel sorry for this torturer. The man is threatening your life and you are worried about his welfare! What am I missing here? I don’t believe for one minute that he has cancer. I believe he is playing on your sweet, trusting nature and saying whatever he thinks will keep you from turning him in.In this way, he can run rampant over you, abuse and threaten you; what a paradise for him–he can act like a total monster and he knows you won’t stop him. Pity is the last feeling this man needs. His behavior is criminal and should not be condoned.How come no one has told you to get an Order of Protection for yourself? You need to decide who you want to protect, him or you. You said if you report him to the cops he will lose his job (and his insurance). So? You are losing your sanity and afraid for your life! You are supposed to take care of number one. And protecting a paranoid abuser is not taking care of number one.I have the impression that this man is used to behaving however he damn pleases and has never been stopped. What do you think would happen if you reported him to the Police and obtained an Order of Protection? Would that frighten him? Would that send him running? You know that if he violates the Order, they will put him in jail. Is he the type that backs down in the face of a higher authority. Usually bullies back down when they are faced with bigger bullies (the Police).In answer to your question, how can you protect yourself before you leave town, I think you need to explore further the possibility of an Order of Protection. And, in order to find out how else you can protect yourself, you might consider consulting a lawyer.Don’t get locked into the Domestic Abuse branches of legal system. He doesn’t live with you now and your basic rights are being violated. Talk to a lawyer. And, find out why you still feel the need to protect this man. I have the feeling that once you feel entitled to put your needs ahead of his, and do whatever is needed to make yourself feel more protected and at ease, you will find that your strength causes this abuser to back down. (When he gets the message that you won’t put up with his crap any more, and he moves on to greener abuse pastures.He is also so sadistic, I think he is getting off on the idea that you are feelings terrified and helpless, and once you shift into a powerful position, his thrills will be gone. ) Keep in touch and let me know what you decide and how you are.