Dr. Love,My question to you is this: My husband wants to have another child but he is fixed. So he asked me to pick out a guy who looks like him and have affair with to get pregnant…. He does not want to adopt, or change his big’ V’ either. I do not know what to do … He is great with kids and our three children he was great with when they were small growing up. They are not done yet but my clock is close to the end too. What do you think I should do..????My husband I love very much and want to give him another child but he can not give me. So my husband is the one who thought of this and brought up the topic… It has been going on for about 4 months now…PLEASE let me know what you think and what your feelings are…
If you’ve been reading my column for a while, you probably know that I don’t tell people what to do with their lives. That would be overstepping my role, which is to help you resolve the blocks inside yourself that keep you from getting what you want.So, instead of asking what I think and feel, it’s more important to understand why are don’t feel entitled to assert yourself and say what you think and feel, and do and don’t want?I think you have been blocked on this issue because you have been reluctant to own how you feel about this issue. One thing I know about you–you aren’t keen on his plan, otherwise you would have followed his idea long ago.I can see why you aren’t quick to give in to his request. His request is a loaded gun pointed right at the marriage, and before you ever agree to go forward with his plan, you need to understand what this request says about the state of the marriage, and how he feels toward you.I have guesses as to what his request might be telling us (and why you are instinctively reluctant). You may feel that your husband is throwing you into the arms of another man. I noticed that he didn’t suggest artificial insemination using his own sperm, harvested from his own body (a vasectomy doesn’t stop his production of sperm, it merely prevents the sperm from being expelled via ejaculation). Instead, he suggested that you have an affair and carry another man’s child! It sure feels like you are being thrown away.I can’t help but wonder what is going wrong in the marriage. Does he want you to have an affair, so that he can have one himself?Another question that came to my mind is: Why would he want to put you at risk rather than reverse his vasectomy?You both need to talk honestly about what thoughts and feelings are behind his suggestion. Find out how he is feeling about the marriage and about you. What resentments are not being discussed directly. Ask him why he wants you to have an affair with another man. Does he want to have an affair? Ask him what what risks exist for the marriage if you follow his plan?So, here’s the plan for you: explore what thoughts and feelings underlie his suggestion. And, you need to discuss all your thoughts and feelings with him. Then, based upon what transpires in that discussion, you can go forward.Good luck.
