Dear Dr. Love, I am 33, married, and have a beautiful son age 1. My very best friend is a gay man. We have the greatest friendship anyone could ever imagine. We go on trips together (the 3 of us, no husband). We go out to dinner several times a week, we act like a married couple.My husband is a very sucessful attorney and is not home much. He does not care for my friend David. He allows me to do what I want with David because he is a family friend and GAY. My relationship with David has always been open and honest. David is a hands on touchly feely kind of person. My husband is not. Up until now my friendship with him has been just that, a friendship.Things are changing I can just sense it. David now wants to marry me and take me back east where his business is. My question for you is this, how often do gay men go straight? Does David love me or does he think he can save me(and me save him all at the same time)? If you have any advise for me please help.
You ask me how often do gay men go straight? If a man is a homosexual, he can’t simply grow out of his sexual preference the way someone outgrows a pair of shoes. I understand why you might like to believe that your friend could go straight. If you believe this, then you can convince yourself that he could marry you and remain sexually faithful to you. It’s a nice fantasy, but very unlikely.More likely is the possibility that your friend is bisexual (attracted to both sexes). But, make no mistake, whether he is homosexual or bisexual, your boyfriend will always feel the urge to satisfy his sexual desires for men. Have you confronted the fact that he will want to sleep with other men after he marries you? You are currently living in a marriage in which you feel abandoned by your husband (his work is his mistress). Are you aware that by choosing a man who is gay, or even bisexual, that you will probably feel abandoned when he sleeps with other men? Can your lover promise that he will be sexually faithful to you after marriage? And, if he promises, will he come to resent you as the obstacle between him and his true desires? Have you talked all this over with your friend?You made the statement that you thought your boyfriend has offered to marry you in order to save you and save himself. Let’s talk about the saving himself idea first. Is he hoping to save himself from a gay lifestyle? Has he said this, or are you guessing? Is he trying to deny his sexual preference? Are you aware that you are in big danger? What happens when he can’t fight City Hall any more? Are you emotionally prepared for him to sleep with other men on the side? And, when he does, are you prepared to risk contracting sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV? Is he the type of man to pretend that he is faithful and cheat behind your back, thereby placing you at emotional and physical risk?If I were you, I would ask a lot more questions. And, what about this business about saving you. I presume you mean that he would be saving you from an unhappy marriage. First of all, I wonder why you need to be saved by someone else? Why can’t you save yourself? If this man is needed to fulfill your rescue fantasies, what happens when the rescue is accomplished? Once you settle into married life, and his thrill of rescuing you subsides, then what? If and when he cheats on you, who will rescue you from your heartbreak and feelings of abandonment? Will you need to find another man to save you once again?As I have said many times, our unconscious minds create repetitions of the worst traumas of our early lives (hoping to find a happier ending to our pain. Usually, repetitions don’t create happy endings, they simply keep us stuck in the pain of the past). It would be good for you to examine if there is a repetition brewing for you. I know that you have felt abandoned in your marriage and, I can see that you dream of being rescued. Does your current situation remind you of an experience from when you were young? Did you feel unloved or neglected as a kid, and did you dream of being magically transported out of your misery?I ask these questions because it sounds like your mind may be tricking into a repetition, baiting you with the prospect of that happy ending ( being saved from abandonment). But, isn’t your mind setting you up for a new abandonment, if and when this man sees other men? As painful as it is to consider the possibility that a repetition may be in the works, I hope that you will have the courage to consider this possibility. A bit of pain now may spare you years of pain in the future. Good luck. And, keep me posted.
