I live with my boyfriend, I love him very much. He was raised by his father – no mother in the picture until 2 years ago. His father is his best friend as well.Last week, his father came to visit us and while my boyfriend was at work, his father and I were conversing about life. . . and he raised his voice and scolded me like a little child. I am almost 30 years old. . . I told my boyfriend about this after he left. Should I have said something to the father?Sorry, but my own father has never raised his voice to me. My parents never used physical discipline while I was growing up, but my boyfriends father used a belt and that makes me nervous. Please help. . . thanks, v
Because your family was not outwardly aggressive, you are ill-prepared to deal with an abusive man. When you ask me if you should have said something to your father-in-law, it sounds like you are attacking yourself for not having spoken.Realize that even if you had wanted to say something, you wouldn’t have known what to say. Rest assured, you will have another chance at bat. His father will speak this way again to you, given who he is, and next time you will be ready.As I explain in my new book, Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First) you have a couple of choices on how to confront this man. This man is a big bully who frightens people into silence and is clearly unaware of how he comes across. Your goal is to get him to realize how he makes others feel. This is called partial identification.There are several ways to help him achieve partial identification. One is to use a question that sparks his awareness about his behavior without actually telling him off. This approach is very good for defensive types, which I am sure he is.This type of questioning would sound like, ‘Should I be feeling scolded like a young child?’ The plus side of this question is that it makes the other person think about what he said and realize the effect of his words.However, people with very fragile egos find it nearly impossible to look at themselves and their behavior. Pointing the finger at themselves wounds their psyches, and so they will refuse to engage in this process. Their refusal will take the form of rejecting your question.In which case they will say something like, ‘Feel however you want to feel. It has nothing to do with me.’ By rejecting your question and putting the problem back on you, their ego remains safe and free of scrutiny.In such cases, you are left with only one other choice. A direct confrontation in which you simply tell the person how he’s coming across. In this case you would say, ‘When you bark at me like that you sound like a parent scolding a child.’If you simply describe how he’s coming across, he can’t reject your words since you are stating facts. He may still resist hearing you, but at least you will feel better knowing that you took care of yourself.Read my book for more detailed information on how to confront this man and protect yourself. You are going to need all the tools you can find to handle your ongoing contacts with him. Keep a stiff, but very vocal, upper lip.This will be a great learning experience for you and one that will help you to handle all the bullies of the world.
