I’ve been dating this wonderful man for over 4 months now. He keeps comparing me to an ex who left him for a best friend and is now married to this friend.It’s been over 3 years since she’s left my boyfriend. He still has feelings for her and says that he loves me as much as he loves her. I’m not upset when he talks about the other woman.I was wondering, if this past relationship is the reason why he only opens up half way. My boyfriend starts to talk then he stops suddenly and I can’t convince him to continue. I open my heart to him and he doesn’t comment.All that he will say is that he has trouble saying how he feels. I don’t push the issue, but I just wanted to know if there is something that I could do to make things easier for him?
Aren’t you a loving and generous person. Instead of worrying about what you aren’t getting, you want to make life easier for him! When you say that you want to make things easier, I assume you mean to make it easier for him to tell you how he feels when you open up to him.I know that you want him to open up to you, but clearly he is ambivalent ( has mixed feelings) about doing so. That is, he is conflicted about opening up to you because he unconsciously believes that if he gives his heart that he will be even more devastated when you leave him. And, yes, he is sure that you will leave like the last girl did.So, holding back his heart is a twisted form of self-preservation.So, instead of pressing your agenda on him (to get him to open up) why not start where he is and help him to first talk about why he’s scared to get too close to you. The key is to help him to talk about why he’s scared without pushing for more than he can give.Now that you understand the theory, let’s talk about how you will handle him when you actually sit down to talk. First, tell him that you know that he is uncomfortable to make love declarations to you and that you don’t want him to feel pushed into saying anything he isn’t comfortable with. What you would like is to understand him better, and to know why he’s scared to open his heart to you.Again remind him that you want to him to discuss why he’s scared but you don’t want him to actually make any declarations. If he starts getting loving, protect him from saying something that will terrify him, by gently saying that it isn’t time for him to open up to you yet. When you talk to him make sure that he knows that you won’t press him to open up to you or force him to make love declarations that he isn’t comfortable making.Once you get him to feel comfortable to talk about what has him so frightened, then he can begin to work his issue through. The talking is the cure and the silence is stagnation. When you handle him this way, he should soon be able to admit that he is scared that you will leave him.Once he admits this, you can begin the healing by telling him that you will never abandon him even if he never declares his love in words. Only say this if you mean it.Based upon your letter, I had the sense that you are quite selfless and that you probably do feel willing to be with him no matter what. The key is to give him the feeling that you will love him no matter what. . . and that you will never leave him. Over time this message should help to heal his wound. And, when he is less terrified of your abandoning him, he should feel safer to declare his love.Let me know what happens.
