Hi, i have an ongoing problem with myself. I am a university student and have a boyfriend who is in a different university from mine. We’re 4 hours apart by train and met during college.The problem i have now is that since last year, i have been skipping my lectures to go to his place. I think i’d skipped a total of 2 months of lectures, and my parents don’t know any of this. I know this is wrong, but everytime when i’m supposed to leave, i just can’t bring myself to do it.I have internal battles with myself, but i always seem to choose the least sensible option. Why is that so? I used to treat my studies seriously, but now. . . Could you help me with it?Thanks for your help.
You are asking me to understand why you are behaving in such a self-destructive way.First of all, it sounds like you have a problem saying no to gratification and saying yes to frustration. It is more gratifying to stay with your boyfriend than to go to class. All humans tend to seek pleasure and avoid pain or discomfort.But, here’s what you are missing: the discomfort of attending class is minimal discomfort compared to the huge discomfort you will feel when you flunk out of school!Each time you are about to avoid discomfort (go to class) and go for pleasure (stay with your boyfriend), you must immediately remind yourself that you are going to suffer worse pain down the line. Then ask yourself if you are willing to pay this price.When you put this choice to yourself, right in the moment, you will be more likely to make the correct choice. Tolerating frustration and delaying gratification is part of growing up. If you don’t cultivate these two skills, you will not only not succeed in school, you won’t succeed in life.If you can say to me that you do possess these skills in other areas of your life, and that you only have a problem sustaining frustration when it comes to him, then we need to examine what emotional issues may be at work.Are you afraid that he won’t like you anymore if you put school work ahead of him? Is he giving you this message or is this message coming from your own history. For example, did your mother put others ahead of her own needs? Do you have a history of abandonment?That might explain why you would cling to him, fearing that if you don’t give him your undivided attention that he might leave you. It would be explore what emotional and relational factors may be fueling your behavior.Realize also that women have been socialized to place a higher value on marriage and family than on education and careers. When you put your relationship with him ahead of your own growth and development, you are following traditional female patterns. Is that what you want?Finally, you mentioned that you berate yourself for skipping class. It is possible that the skipping class is merely a smoke screen for a deeper problem. That is, your mind may be inducing you to screw up so that you can attack yourself. Why on earth would someone want to beat him or herself up?Here are two common reasons: feelings of guilt over past wrongs and unrecognized anger often prompt self-attack. Does this fit for you?If this is true, you will need to make peace with your past and/or own your angry feelings and not beat on yourself for them. I have given you a lot to examine. When you study yourself, you will find out what the cause of your behavior is. Then you can take steps to heal that issue.
