Please, I need your guidance. I am a single, 45 year old woman who has never been in a satisfying, respectful, long-term relationship with a man.Yet, I am an accomplished woman in other areas of my life: I am a professional person, have many wonderful friendships, a good family life, am intelligent, adventurous and generous of heart.In my 20s and early 30s I never thought I was attractive enough to date. I had a very large nose and I decided to have plastic surgery 8 years ago and have been very pleased with the results. I now think I am attractive, but my hurdle now seems to be something within myself.Men who are attracted to me (and me attracted to them) either turn out to be interested in a sexual fling, or they end up pulling away within three months.And I am not attracted to men who can be described as nice but seem too boring or dull for my liking. In my 20s I often had affairs with married men or had one-night stands. In my 30s I didn’t date at all and was celibate for several years.But in the past 6 years I have made the effort to get out and date again to meet men who are well-suited for me. I just don’t seem to be able to be in a sustaining relationship.Dr. Love, can you please help me understand what I may be doing that sabotages my chance of finding a satisfying relationship with a man? I want to make right whatever I may be doing wrong.
Before we understand what you are doing on a behavioral level that may be sabotaging your chances of forming a relationship, you need to first understand that behavior doesn’t exist in a vacuum. It is the result of unconscious thoughts and feelings of which you may not be aware. In other words, if you are saying or doing off-putting things, these behaviors are driven by unconscious forces.Unless you understand and resolve these forces, the problem will continue. And, what’s more, even if you were to force yourself to modify the various behaviors that may be turning men off, you will still find yourself coming up empty handed on the relationship front, unless you resolve your reluctance to connect.So, let’s figure out why you are so scared to get close. Keep in mind that connection is scary for every person on the planet. We risk being rejected or abandoned. Plus, love forces us to accept feelings of dependency, vulnerability, and so on.Ultimately, to love is to lose, since most of us end up losing our loved one to death. When a person is afraid to connect, or unconsciously arranges to drive potential partners away, it’s because he/she already has a script in mind about how a relationship would work out (or not work out) if one were to get started.What’s your script. Write it down. Then, see how your script mimics your childhood relationships. When you understand what went wrong for you in your childhood relationships, you will have a clearer idea about why you are so afraid to experience a repeat performance.I remember a man who was a patient of mine whose mother never held him when she fed him as an infant. That man resisted forming adult relationships, and the only kind of sex that he could tolerate was with prostitutes who masturbated behind a glass window.Can you see how the limited relationships that he formed with women mimicked the distant type of connection he had with his mother?When you do your homework, you will find your answer to why you are so scared to connect.Next, remind yourself that you aren’t required to relive your childhood relationships. Once you are conscious, you can make a choice to choose a different or better type of relationship this time around.If you still feel stuck, then find a good modern psychoanalyst who can help you form a safe, therapeutic connection that will serve as your model for future relationships.
