Dr. Love My husband is incarcerated and has been for the past 6 months. He was put in jail on August 3rd and we were married on Aug. 31. Here it is January of 2000 and he still has another 1-2 months to go.My question is I’m scared he is going to hold on to me until he gets out of jail and then leave me. I feel sometimes like the only reason he married me is because he wanted someone out here to be there for him while he is incarcerated.I haven’t completely let my guard down with him, what I mean by that is if he was to get out and leave me i wouldn’t just give up on life and die. But I don’t know what I should do. Should I tell him how I feel or just hold on until he gets out.He says he loves me with all his heart, but how do I know he really means it?I do love him very much, but I don’t want to get hurt.
I hear that you are worried that this man is merely using you until he gets out of jail.You need to ask yourself why you feel that he only wants you to lean on while he’s serving his sentence. The fact that you have that idea must link up with your history in some way. Who gave you the idea that he or she only loved you so long as you were useful to them? Mom? Dad?It feels as if you are replaying some painful piece of your past. Hoping that this time you will receive a different outcome: your husband will want you even after he doesn’t need to lean on you.The fact that you are worried that he might not need you afterwards has me concerned. Do you know on some level that he is out to use you just like the people in your past?At this point, you need to reflect on where your feelings are coming from. Is this man sending you signals? Are you simply associating back to your early life and expecting to be dropped, because that is what you are programmed to expect?Once you find the answer to your question, then you will know how to proceed. If your examination yields that you have reason to fear what he will do, then discuss this with him. Ask him, ‘Why am I wondering if you will drop me once you get out?’Then, sit back and listen to what he says. By taking charge and bringing the subject up, you will at least be in control of what happens to you. And, in the event that you are right about him, you will have a chance to prepare yourself for his leaving, rather than give him the power to rip your emotional rug out from under you.I hope that my answer has helped you to clarify the situation and guides you to a resolution.
