Hi Dr.Love.I am 23 years old and I have been going out with this guy (my age)for 3 years. We got engaged discretly 1 year into the relationship but we just recently had our official engagement party since our wedding date is set for next summer.Some aspects of his behavior are making me wonder if I am on the road to happiness or not. This is well characterized by the way he conducted himself at the engagement party: he spent most of the evening in the bar downstairs watching baseball with is friends while I was upstairs entertaining the 50 guests and wondering where he was. When he would make a brief appearance I would ask him to help me take care of our guests he would say’sure honey’ but he would only talk to his buddies and his own parents to soon disappear.I know I have what it takes to be a good wife, I mean I am not perfect but I care for others and I constantly auto-analyse myself to make sure I am doing good towards myself and others. I do love him, but I feel like I will always have to give in wi th this guy. He does not seem to understand that we are a team, working together. I have tried to tell him how I feel (let down) sometimes, but he has this way to turn everyconversation to his advantage and to put me in a box where there is nothing more I can say. I have asked him why he wanted so much to marry me (he shows he is very determined to make me his wife), he says he loves me… I am not much of a fighter, I don’t like arguments and I would like to find my inner peace again but I am unsure of what to do next…The result is that I am constantly tormented by all this. Please help me!!!
You have good reason to worry. Every alarm bell is going off. This man is treating you like his maid servant, and you aren’t even married yet! If he’s not lifting a finger to help with the domestic tasks now, wait until you’re married. You will be chief cook and bottle washer before you know it.What concerns me are your remarks, I’m not a fighter and I don’t like arguments. Well, if you don’t straighten this business out with him now before you’re married, you will have big fights after you tie the knot.I know you may be tempted to sweep this issue (and yourself) under the rug. If you do this, be prepared to keep sweeping–in every way–after marriage.The problem with swallowing your needs is that you can only swallow for so long. Eventually your feelings will erupt and fights will break out. So, instead of avoiding this fight, or putting it off for the future, you need to take care of it now, once and for all.Tell him your concerns. Tell him what type of involvement you are looking for around the house, and ask him how he envisions his participation. You need to agree on how chores will be divided, before you marry. If you go ahead with the marriage, without resolving this, you are both heading for big trouble.You also need to work on your tendency to wipe yourself out in order to avoid a fight. You need to find out why a fight is so terrifying to you( fear that you will lose the relationship?). And, you need to see that avoiding conflicts puts your relationship in far greater jeopardy.Be brave and hold your ground–for now you need to wear your boxing gloves, not your polishing gloves.All the best.
