Dear Dr. Love,I am college junior who was dumped by my ex-boyfriend four weeks ago. He had dumped me the following day after I came back from my Chritmas break. He told me that he is engaged to his baby’s mother and he is doing it only for his son. After that I tried to get him back by making him aware of what he was doing. He kept to his decision but meanwhile I was trying to convince him, I was also sleeping with him.Now it’s valentines day and his fiance’ has come to visit him with his son. The ironic thing is that I’m pregnant and I think he suspects. The other day he called me and my roommate told him that I was sick. He hasn’t called me since that day. So that shows he doesn’t care. I don’t know what to do. Should I tell him or not? Even though, I don’t think telling him would make a difference. I’m hurt but more so angry because I was used and deceived. He made it seem like he cared about me and that he was faithful but all of that time he was making plans to be with another woman. I’m really angry and confused fo r allowing myself to be used and to become pregnant.
You have been treated in an unforgiveable way. This guy was cheating on you while playing the part of a faithful lover. You must be so hurt and enraged.You ended your letter by saying that you are angry at yourself for allowing yourself to be used. I am confused. If you didn’t know that he had another woman on the side, how can you blame yourself for allowing something that you weren’t aware was going on?As for allowing yourself to become pregnant. I assume you are saying that you allowed yourself to take risks (unprotected sex) and became pregnant.If this is so, then, in order to protect yourself in the future, it would be good for you to examine why you are willing to put yourself at risk? Do you risk in order to be liked? Do you risk because you want to catch the man? Do you risk because you are afraid that if you set limits for yourself that the man will dump you? Do you risk because you don’t feel good enough about yourself and believe that if you don’t do exactly what the other person wants that you will not be able to keep him?I suspect that you give in sexually as a way of trying to hold on to a man. Notice that you had sex with this man even after he told you that he would marry the other woman. Were you hoping that giving him sex would win him back?These questions are all important to ask yourself. And, you need to also begin to observe how often you are inclined to act in ways that aren’t true to yourself, in order to please or hold onto someone else.I think that deep down you sense that you often don’t listen to your inner voice and this is why you are angry at yourself.Blaming yourself isn’t the thing to do. It’s time to understand, heal and grow so that you never again allow yourself to do anything that puts you in physical or psychological danger. Nobody is worth doing that to yourself.Keep in mind, also, that you aren’t the only female to wipe herself out in order to please others. Women are socialized to swallow their needs and feelings and take care of other people. So, realize that you are in good company. Most women struggle, more or less, with this issue.So, ask the questions, understand and give yourself a break. Even though you have a part in allowing yourself to become pregnant (if in fact you took risks) this man was still a rat for behaving as he did.So, redirect your anger outward, onto him, where it belongs. I’m not saying you have to act on your anger toward him (by calling, writing, chewing him out, etc.). Just simply owning your true feelings of anger toward him will help you to let yourself off the anger hook.Then, you can decide what would be constructive for you to do with the anger. Do you want to confront him and tell him why he was so monstrous? Bottom line, choose whatever is best for you. Not what’s best for him.Also, it would be a good idea for you to talk with a counsellor now. There are lots of decisions to be made for you and the baby.All my best to you.
