I have been in a relationship with a man for 1 year. During this time, he has been back and forth between his former girlfriend and I. When he is with one of us, he wants the other. He is she is 21 and I am 27. He goes back and forth between thinking he is in love with me and then her. I think he is acting more on feelings and not love. How do you teach a grown man the meaning of love.I am willing to be a friend and try to help him discover what his heart is looking for but I am not sure how to help him help himself. He gets headaches and stressed out over this confusion. It is keeping him from moving forward in his life. I know that its not my problem but I care about him immensely and would like to be able to see things through with him.
It is very good of you to help your friend try to resolve his emotional confusion. The best way we can help him is to figure out the reason behind his indecision. But, I can’t help but point out that you sure seem to be investing 110% in a man that doesn’t seem able to give you 100% of himself. But, that’s not what you asked me to help you with. So, on to your request: to help see him through his emotional muddle.There are so many possible reasons for his ambivalence, and without talking with him, I will never be able to tell you for sure what is the exact problem here.I can, however, throw out a few ideas for you to explore, and if he is still stuck, one or both of you can do a private email consultation with me, so that I can help you get to the bottom of the matter.The following are some of the possible explanations for his paralysis: fear of commitment (not being able to choose between the two of you could be a smoke screen for an underlying fear of commitment), fear of intimacy( likewise, not being able to choose between the two of you can also be a smoke screen that conceals a fear of intimacy), fear of separating from the family of origin and becoming an adult (when a person remains indecisive, there can be an underlying fear of separating from his or her parents, as evidenced by a fear of taking adult steps, chosing a career or marrying. Oftentimes, people who have felt abandoned, abused or neglected find it hard to grow up and separate from their parents. You might think, that these people would by itching to get away from cruel parents, and even though they may itch to physically leave, the unconscious mind doesn’t want to grow up. It’s hard to give up what you never received enough of. I use the analogy, it’s hard to leave the dinner table when you haven’t yet eaten. Another possibile explanation for his indecision: fear of making the wrong choice (not being sure which one of you is right for him), and, finally, he may fear that he hasn’t played the field enough, which leads to a terror of choosing any one woman.In order to figure out which of the above possibilities fits, we need to use a process of elimination. To do this, run the above possibilities by him. If he says that the last two on my list apply (he isn’t sure which of you is right for him, or he fears that he might be chosing a mate without adequate dating experience), then tell him to take my compatibility test.My test will help him assess whether he is more compatible with you or the other woman. I designed this test to help people who can’t choose between more than one dating partner. This test is also helpful for the person that has fallen in love but is afraid that he or she hasn’t dated enough (what if there is someone better out there for me?). I have actually seen people who are perfect for each other break up just to be sure that there isn’t someone better out there for them. And, the tragedy is that oftentimes they end up breaking up with Mr. or Ms. Right.Tell him to take the test twice, once to test your relationship with him and once to test his relationship with the other woman. Then he can compare ‘Compatibility Scores the higher the score the better the match. Taking the test will help him know, with great certainty, which of the two of you is right for him.If he doesn’t want to take the test, then we can assume that he is suffering from deeper fears of intimacy or commitment. And, in this case, he would be unwilling to take the test, fearing that the black and white results would force him to make a commitment that he may be too afraid to make for other reasons. If he agrees to take the test, we still need to watch what happens. If he is able to make a decision and give one of you up, we can be fairly certain that his problem was either of the last two that I mentioned on my list (not being able to choose or fear that he hasn’t had enough dating experience).If he is still indecisive, even after finding out which of you is the best for him, then we have further confirmation that he is suffering from fear of intimacy and commitment.So, I suggest that we can use the test as a way of fleshing out the nature of his problem. Like I said, if he refuses the test, then we can assume that he needs to cling to his indecision as a cover for deeper fears. If he takes the test, and still can’t decide between the two of you, then we also know that his indecision was a smoke screen for deeper fears. If you find that fear of intimacy and commitment is his ultimate problem, then search my Advice Archives, which show how to heal this type of problem.But, if he takes the test and ultimately chooses one of you, then we will know that for once a cigar was a cigar, meaning that there really was no hidden, unconscious struggle–the guy simply needed the assistance of my test to assess his level of compatibility with both of you.I hope for your sake that this man doesn’t suffer from deeper issues, and I do hope that my compatibility test shows him that you are the one for him.Above all, please be careful. You are a lovely, generous woman who has so much to give. It is so easy for women to caretake to the men they love and receive crumbs in return. Don’t let this happen to you. This man needs to poop or get off the emotional pot. You deserve nothing less than all of him or someone else.
