Hi Dr Love,I recently moved to Hawaii from Australia to be with the man that I fell in love with while on vacation here. He came to Australia to see me and for 6 months we were talking daily on the phone. I then took the plunge and moved here. Unfortunately, I found that prior to me coming here he was seeing quite a few women and I don’t know if this is continuing. I don’t think it is (there’s proof that it’s not) but I can’t stand to see letters and postcards sent to him by these girls. They obviously live on the mainland. He says they’re just friends but I find that very hard to believe.I have a nagging feeling that he’s obviously slept with these women or had some kind of affair with them. My problem is I’m madly in love with him still (idiot!) and don’t want to lose him. He talks about us getting married so I believe that we will get married but why can’t I get over all the women prior to me? This is causing so many arguments between us and he’s basically saying he’s had enough. I have to get over them. Why can’t I? Admittedly, I am the most insecure person I know. I want to trust him but I can’t and he’s given me no reason since I’ve been here not to trust him. Please help me!
Because your lover had so many women in his past, it appears that you are worried that he will not be satisifed with you alone. So, you are basically terrified to be abandoned at any moment. Do you know that many men play the field before finding the one woman with whom they want to settle? In fact, almost every man needs to pass through this exploration phase. Without it, he would be left wondering whether there is a better woman out there for him.When a man falls in love, he sees all women in his beloved’s eyes. That is, she possesses the best that her sex has to offer. And, so, he need search no more. Remember, your lover has chosen to turn his back on all others and marry you. How flattering. (You would be in greater danger of his leaving you if he hadn’t experimented with other women. In fact, many men who reach mid-life and haven’t played the field, begin to wonder what they missed, and then they seek out an affair. )All right, we know this man has done his dating homework; he has chosen you, and, you say there is proof that he isn’t involved with the women that he dated previous to you. So, we need to understand why you are so worried. Do you have any evidence that this man was unfaithful to his previous girlfriends? Did he cheat on his girlfriends? Is it a pattern for you to doubt your lovers (have you felt suspicious with other boyfriends)? Our task now is to figure out whether your feelings are coming from your boyfriend (he is the unfaithful type) or from you.Since you said that he has given you no cause to doubt him, let’s assume for the moment that the feelings are yours. Why might you feel the way you do? Two possibilities: First, you have an unhealed abandonment scar from childhood. Did someone leave you or threaten to leave you when you were young? If your answer is yes to either question, then we can assume that your doubts about your lover reflect an earlier issue that needs to be addressed and resolved. Other possibility. Low self-esteem. When a woman feels that she doesn’t measure up, then she will worry that her lover or husband will leave her for someone ‘better’ than she is in terms of looks or personal qualities. Does this fit?After you examine my questions, you should have a better idea as to why your are plagued with suspicions. If the feelings rest with you, then I invite you to talk more with me. I can’t stress enough the importance of your working these feelings through. If you don’t you will send your love packing. Good luck and keep in touch.