I am 21 years old and been dating a guy for about 4 years. I love him greatly and really feel I could spend the rest of my life with him. But before we make those kind of decisions, we want to finish school. Here’s the problem. I love having sex with him but I never have an orgasam. I come, but never actually reach orgasam. I do not think it is his fault. He is really in to making me feel good. He really tries. We tried everything we can think of. I feel totally comfortable with him so I know it is not that. I think it also really hurts his ego and I hate that. I was wondering if you could offer advice.
You said that you have come but never had an orgasm. But, to come is the same as to have an orgasm! So, I’m not sure what you mean.Perhaps when say that you have come, you mean that you become aroused but don’t actually achieve orgasm.All right, let’s get down (no pun intended) to brass tacks. To have an orgasm, you must be relaxed and you must receive the proper type and amount of stimulation.You say you are sexually at ease with your boyfriend. But since you know that he is upset that you don’t come, I am sure that you are putting pressure on yourself to come. And, this pressure is sufficient to block orgasm entirely!So, how can you break this impasse?Talk to him and see if you can get him to remove his ego from the equation. Tell him that you can’t come on your own, even when he isn’t in the picture, so obviously it’s your issue, not his.You might also tell him that most women learn how to achieve orgasms on their own. After which, they are able to communicate to their partners what works.Since you haven’t taught yourself how, you have two choices. Go home and practice, or to practice together. If you are going to practice together, it must be in an atmosphere of peace and relaxation. So, ask him if he feels comfortable learning with you. And, make sure to ask him if he can be sure that his ego won’t be bruised if it takes you time to learn. ( Remember what I said above about how to take his ego out of the picture.)If he says he’s cool, then you can experiment together until you find what works. Again, the only way that you can do this together is if his ego is totally unruffled by unsuccessful attempts. If he is at all upset if your souffle doesn’t rise, then you won’t succeed and you will be back to square one again.So, let’s assume that he agrees to experiment with you, and not bug out, use a technique called sensate focus. The goal of this technique is to tune in to your bodily sensations and remove all performance pressure. He is to touch you everywhere but your genitals. They are off limits for now, even if you become excited.Once you are comfortable being touched without focus, then you can get down to business. Let him start with the sensate focus technique and when you feel very aroused, have him stimulate your clitoris in the way that feels best. Each woman prefers a different type of clitoral stimulation. Some like stroking, others a firm pressure. Experiment and find what feels right. Use words of encouragement and even guide his hand.If you relax and take your time, you should be fine.Once you learn to have an orgasm through clitoral stimulation, you can even try oral sex, if you both like. Remember that more than 50% of all females cannot climax during intercourse. So, don’t pressure yourself to score during intercourse.To increase your pleasure in intercourse, you can extend foreplay so you are more aroused prior to intercourse. Also, try the woman on top position, which permits clitoral stimulation during intercourse.Have fun, relax and enjoy. You should be fine.Let me know how you do.