Dr. I’m desperate for direction, I’ve made 2 councelling app. this week but in the meantime my husband and I are sick to the stomach over what I’ve been feeling. I feel that I’m falling out of love with him.I’ve been going deeper into a depression for 4 years now, since having my 3rd child. I feel that with having 3 very young children and moving to a new comunity, I have lost complete control.I also feel that perhaps through me having to give up so much with my kids, my husband has taken over all of the control, to the point that I’m not so happy with him anymore. I don’t have the freedom of my own life.Am I falling out of love, am I tired of my relationship?Please help me.
What is wrong is that you are seething with rage. Rage that isn’t consciously owned turns into depression and can even erode feelings of love. You say that your husband has usurped all control. What you need to understand is why you have allowed this to happen.Remember, we are the authors of our fate. If you permitted him to move you to a new community and remove your sense of control, you must have had some need to feel out-of-control and angry. I have my guesses as to why you allowed this to occur.Many of us recreate the experiences of childhood. If I am right, you felt controlled as a child, and you were darn mad about it. Where did all your childhood anger go?It got buried alive. It would have been too dangerous to tell controlling, parents that you were mad at them. That would have led to more abuse and suffering. So, you, like all abused kids, buried your anger.Then, you married a man who, by his controlling, overpowering nature made you feel right at home. If you are like the rest of the human race, you recreated your childhood scenario because it’s familiar (familiar pain feels better than the unknown).This recreation also serves two purposes: First it allows you to release the anger that you felt toward your controlling parents. If you listen to what you say in your letter, you are pointing the finger at your husband and saying, ‘You monster, you have taken my life away from me.’As you point the finger at him, you are expressing a lot of anger. Only your anger is so disguised that you, yourself, don’t even realize how pissed you are, hence the reason why you are experiencing symptoms of buried anger (depression and loss of love feelings).The true reason why your mind has arranged to recreate this pattern from earlier in your life isn’t only because you have built-up anger that you need to release. It’s also because you want to heal the wounds of the past.In other words, you want to feel strong, independent, and that your voice is heard. Your husband can’t give you this sense of strength. Only you can.Go into therapy, understand how your present feeling echoes the feeling you had as a kid; become clear on how you wanted to be treated as a kid and how you want to be treated now. Then, become an entitled citizen and stand up for yourself.Don’t blame your husband for controlling you. Take full responsibility for allowing him to do so, and choose to stop allowing this. When you feel strong and entitled, no one, including him, with ever be able to control you again.You will also probably need to do marriage counseling in order to help him adapt to the new you. Don’t forget, you allowed him to control you, and he became accustomed to performing that role. Just as it won’t be easy for you to shift, he will probably also find it hard to share the reins with you.If he wants to keep you, he will adapt to your new found strength and loosen his controls. As you feel more equal, your depression will lift and your feelings of love should return.