I have been married for 6 years and I had a short term affair for about three months.I told my husband because of the guilt I felt inside. I know what I did was wrong but I tried to communicate with my husband about his lack of labido and affection for me. And when we would have sex it would last only a few minuites.He expressed to me that he felt insecure about his abilities but didn’t want to see a therapist, or work on our problems. He said that is the way he is and will never change. Now he wants a divorce because he can never trust me again or forgive me for betraying him.Should I just let him go?I would like to work on our marriage, but he just wants out.
I understand that you feel guilty over having had an affair. I know that you are the one who went out and cheated, but, in reality, the couple had an affair, not you alone.That is, something wasn’t working in the couple. You even tried to work on the issues, but your husband wouldn’t join in the work. So, he had an active hand in this affair by refusing to take part in fixing the marriage.Perhaps having an affair was not the best way of dealing with the problem. Perhaps you were secretly hoping that the affair would wake him up and force him to get help.Unfortunately, it didn’t work. And, now that he’s found out about the affair, he points the finger at you! As usual, you’re the bad one. What your husband refuses to see is that he drove you away with his ‘take it or leave it’ attitude.He had this attitude before your affair and he maintains that same attitude now. You ask me if you should work on the marriage or let him go. Don’t you think that he has made the decision for you?He refuses to work with you, and won’t get help. He is bailing out on himself, you and the marriage. A marriage takes two to tango. How can you work on it without his involvment?What concerns me most is that you would even consider staying with someone who is so contemptuous of you. He behaves as though your feelings don’t count. He has a screw you attitude, pushes you away and then takes this self-righteous attitude by blaming you for what you did.At this point, you need to focus on yourself. You must understand why you married someone like this, why you tolerated his behavior for so long, and why you would even consider staying, given that his attitude remains the same.I say that you need to examine these questions because, if you don’t, there is a good chance that you will find yourself with another man who treats you with the same disregard.You can divorce your husband, but your issues won’t disappear. You need to see how willing you are to give more than your share and yet take less than you deserve. Until you understand and resolve this pattern, you will find yourself in the same mess again.Keep in mind that you will never find a man who responds to your needs until you entitle yourself to better treatment. And, to entitle yourself to more, you need to find out why you are willing to take less.Good luck to you.
