I have a jealous insecurity over a certain ‘girl’ friend of my boyfriend. He is always calling and talking with her, not in my presence, but when he tells me that he called to ‘check’on her, it upsets me.We see each other day and night, as I stay with him quite often and she leaves messages on his answering machine at home. I don’t have a problem with him talking with her, but it is when he is secretive about it, which is all the time.I find it out when she calls him. This is not all the time and it has not happened in a while, but I feel that he leaves me out and that makes me insecure that he may want to leave me and be with her. She knows of me and she does or did have a boyfriend.I guess that I am insecure about their relationship because he cuts up with her and they have fun together, but with me he is not. I want to know how to control and get over this as it is a constant struggle for both of us because we get into an arguement over it.I’ve tried and tried to tell myself that it is me he wants and that if he didn’t he wouldn’t be with me. His friends tell me the same thing. His family and daughter love me and we all get a long well.My fear is that I’m going to keep this up and it will end our relationship as he tells me that he is tired of it, that we go through this over and over. He tells me that I read into things, but with the history of past relationships, well, I’ve been made a fool of.What can I do? I want to end this insecurity. Any advice?
There is an old saying in psychology that the fear is the unconscious wish. When you say that you fear that if you keep this up (meaning your jealous accusations) that you will lose him, I sense that, on some level, your unconscious wishes to end this relationship. I know that you don’t consciously want this, but I think your unconscious does.Why? Because if you precipitate the ending, then you are in control as opposed to sitting back and waiting for him to cheat, then dump you. We humans do not like to feel out-of-control, and dying by your own sword, or, in this case, by provoking the end of the relationship, is a way of staying in control.First, let’s accept that you are terrified to be dropped for someone else. I have three questions for you: 1) Do you have an objective reason to worry (is he doing something that gives you cause for concern)? 2) Are you worried because of unresolved abandonment issues? 3) Are you dealing with a combination of both factors?When you figure out the answer to these questions, you will know how to proceed. I don’t think that you are going to find that this issue is all your problem. He is doing a couple of things to put you on alert. First, his calling to ‘check’on her sounds above and beyond the call of friendship.Why does he feel the need to take care of her? Is he a rescuer? Was he expected to caren’take one of his parents? If so, then we can understand why he would continue performing this role. If this is not a role that he played in his first family, then we need to find out why he needs to take care of this girl?Is he more attached to her than he lets on? A second reason for concern is the fact that he hides his contact with her. He may say that he is doing this because he knows that you are jealous. If this is true, it would be better for him to be upfront about his contact with her, which would not arouse nearly as much jealousy as his sneaking around.I believe he does have a hand in causing you to feel worried. I would ask him to be above board about his contact with her. If he agrees, then you will need to modify how you behave when he tells the truth (not coming down on him, not giving him a hard time, etc. ).When he makes this shift to be more upfront, you should feel more confident about his attachment to you. This should make it easier for you to stop pointing the finger at him and to start focusing on how his friendship triggers unfinished business from your past.Shifting the focus away from him and onto yourself will help him feel less defensive and you should be able to avoid future arguments.In addition to exploring your unfinished business with him, you would do well to continue the dialogue with a therapist. Above all else, don’t reject your feelings of doubt.Yes, unfinished business can make you hypersensitive. But you are still being hypersensitive in response to something that he is doing or not doing.Since we tend to choose partners who will treat us the way we are used to, your unconscious may have chosen a guy who will abandon you. In which case, your fear may stem from the fact that you know on some deep level that he is going to dump you.Explore this possibility by asking yourself if he has given you any reason to suspect that he will leave you. If you can’t find any evidence to support this fear, then by all means focus on healing your abandonment issues.