I have not been able to find in any ‘self help’ books or even in any type of articles in magazines. My ‘problem’ started about 3 months ago when one of my friends, who I met through my best friend about a year ago, told me one night after a small tiff, that he likes me A LOT!That wouldn’t be a problem, except for the fact that he’s gay. He’s been gay for a long time and has lived with men. I was shocked, because I didn’t even think of him other than a friend, but now I do like him. He said his problem at the time was that he had just started going out with another guy that he liked.Well, last month they broke up and instead of talking to me, he immeaditly began seeing another guy. Our relationship has become odd in the past 3 months. He didn’t talk to me for about a week after he told me about his feelings, and we seem to be really close at times or we won’t talk for a while until I call him.For the past month he was doing things like calling me up every night at 1:30-3:00am or see me everyday. He would call me up every time he had a break from work and talk for 15 mins. and tell me he missed me. Everytime we talk on the phone, before he hangs up he tells me ‘I love you’.Sometimes he’ll touch my butt and he even took a picture of it! I try to be supportive of him, but he gets very defensive and takes things the wrong way. He thinks if I tell him something that I don’t like, such as his attitude he immeaditly takes it as me ‘bitching’.So we haven’t talked for the past week. And I refuse to be the one to call him this time. When ever I try to talk to him about ‘us’ he says he’s confused or ‘I don’t know’.I can’t keep subjecting myself to this emotional drain, but I do want to at least continue to be, as he’s been saying lately, ‘best’ friends. I really like him a lot, but I think he is to immature for me. He’s 19, I’m 21.Can you please help or at least tell me some ways in which I can handle this situation? thank you
I do understand your problem. You are in love with an unavailable object, and that sure is painful.I know you asked me how to handle the situation, and I could give you all kinds of practical advice, which you surely can come up with yourself. What I think would be more helpful for you is for you to focus on why you are attracted to someone you can’t have. Wanting the unavailable love object can be caused by many different issues.There can be a fear of intimacy. And, by choosing someone who is unavailable for any number of reasons (being gay, being married, refusing to marry, etc.) the mind keeps you at a safe distance. Other possible reasons for choosing an unavailable object. Your mind may be recreating a scenario from childhood in which one or both of your parents were unavailable. We do tend to choose partners who keep us in familiar territory.Another possible reason for choosing an unavailable person is what I discuss often. The repetition compulsion that exists in many of us (see my Advice Archives) drives us to recreate the pain of childhood and work for a healing to the original trauma. At this point, you need to focus on yourself and on understanding what you get out of wanting this man.When you figure out the reason why you are hooked to him, then you can begin to heal your issue.
