I’m a 30 year old european girl and just got married to the most wonderful person in the universe – the man of my dreams.For 30 years I have looked for ‘true love’- the just one person, who could be everything to me, and I found him miles away, but still so close – on a chatprogram on the internet. We are so in love and it shows. We are having the best time in our lives. We can talk about our deepest feelings, fears, visions, dreams – we talk about everything. Truly soulmates, best friends and the greatest lovers! He treats me like a queen. . .BUT I have a problem. I keep hurting him, even though I don’t mean to. Its really the last thing I ever want, and it hurts me even more, to see him hurting. I keep reacting, making comments and trying to defend myself when we have a talk or discussion about almost everything lately.This is a very difficult communication problem between us, that is taring me apart. We talk about this a lot, but we don’t seem to get anywhere. I love him so much – he knows that, but I don’t know where this is comming from. I always had bad relationships and never trusted anybody, but back then I really had no reason for trusting my partners.Now I have EVERY reason to trust my wonderful husband, but I still keep hurting him with reactions instead of stop and think one more time before talking. . . It almost seems like Im trying to dig after something bad inside him, because sometimes its ‘too good to be true’.Gosh, I hope you can help me, because I start to feel so bad about myself and I cry most of the time, because I love him incredibly much, but Im afraid to hurt him when I talk.Please help me, Dr. Love. .WOMAN IN ‘TRUE’ LOVE
I understand what’s going on.When you say you are digging to find something bad in him, you’re exactly on target. What you need to understand is why you are doing this.When a person has been hurt and disappointed in love, he or she feels terrified that all future relationships will fail. To add to the terror is the fact that you can’t tell when the relationship will dissolve.So, in order to deal with the terror over the unknown (I know it will end but I don’t know when) the mind devise a protection. It says, ‘Instead of waiting around to be hurt when the relationship falls apart or you get dropped, I’ll control the ending of relationship for you.’Since you are sure that disaster will strike, at least you can be in control of when and how. This is what I call dying by your own sword. The tragedy here is that this unconscious defense mechanism is making you kill off a relationship that has a good chance to survive.What you need to do is get in touch with how afraid you are that this relationship will end. If you own this fear you will be less in need of defending against it with your acts of sabotage. At the same time, you need to watch yourself like a hawk. Before you open your mouth and say something damaging to him you must pause and ask yourself, ‘Is what I’m about to say going to hurt him?’If your answer is yes, then shut-up. When you stop provoking him, you will become aware of how afraid and anxious you are. That’s the bottom line for you. And, it’s good to get in touch with the real feelings and stop discharging it through damaging comments. Each time you say something mean, your fear that the relationship might end someday is temporarily relieved (since you are unconsciously doing what you can to end it) but in the long-run, as you see him pulling away, your anxiety will become even greater.So, watch yourself, become aware of the impulse to sting him verbally before you speak. Recognize the cues just before you act. Do you feel a pressure building up? Do you feel a weight on your chest?When you recognize your warning signs, then you will be able to stop short before you speak in a negative way. You may also want to notice when you are most likely to sting him.For example, you may become most afraid when the relationship is going well or when you are feeling too close. Awareness is your only hope here. If you are unable to make progress (recognizing the impulse to destroy the relationship by attacking him verbally before you act) then you will need to seek professional help.Let me know how you make out.
