I’m a 32 year old divorced mother of 3 …about a year ago I met this wonderful man who happends to be 7 years younger then me..He’s 24.. age has never been an issue with me and he has no problems with it either. We have been liveing together for about 8 mths now.. We are in love and i can see a future with this man… my children adore him and we do work very well together… I have 2 concerns tho..# 1 Everytime we talk about the future he always replys with’ I’m happy with the way things are now’ and if i want a more commited answer he will say’ the future is not set.. I can’t tell you what you want to here’ he will say he wants to be with me… he will say he won’t go looking for it… and he can say he will do everything to not have that happen… and that it would take an act of God for him to leave me.. Am I not reading between the lines? Is this a warning sign that he has problems with commitment? and should I break it off now Knowing that he feels the future is not set and anything can happen? Or am i just insucure and paranoid?# 2 Every time we start intercourse.. he ejaculates rather quickly.. within 1 to 3 minutes and we have talked about this and ways to prolong intercourse.. is this normal? he has even tried to ejaculate himself in the shower before we start in hopes that the 2nd attempt will last longer… this however doesn’t work either.. I was wondering if this in common in some men I mean haveing no stamina.. and is there anything we can do to increase endurence?Thank you in advanceIn Love and commited.. is he?
Let’s start with your first concern–his remarks about,’The future isn’t set’ and,’I can’t tell you what you want to hear.’ No, you aren’t paranoid; you are hearing loud and clear that the man has a resistance to becoming committed.Regarding your second question, his rapid ejaculation, believe it or not, this can be related to the first problem. When men are terrified of intimacy, their bodies can unconsciously arrange to come quickly so they can escape the closeness as fast as possible. While there are articles in my Archives that explain how you can teach a man to delay orgasm, I don’t believe that we are dealing with a strictly’mechanical’ or’skill deficit’ type of problem here. What’s more, if he applies my delay techniques, he could become even more anxious about the closeness, and may feel the need to pull away even farther.So, what can be done? You would do well to read all the articles in my Archives on fear or intimacy, fear of commitment, and related topics. After you read the articles, you will see that the issues that underlie such fears of intimacy and commitment are very deep-seated, meaning that they stem from wounds that go way back to the earliest days of childhood. Usually the person that suffers this fear was raised by a parent that controlled or wiped him out as a child. Hence, there is a fear of getting too close and being psychologically devoured or destroyed again.The more you push for commitment, the more his warning bells go off, which causes him to pull-back farther. So, the only way to break this cycle is for you to stop pressing for more. What you need to do is to’join’ his fears and voice them as your own. For example, you could say,’I’m not so sure commitment is for me…’The joining technique will take the heat off of him, and, this can begin the healing process for him–that is he can come to learn that a loved one doesn’t always invade him or force him to do what he doesn’t want to do or doesn’t feel ready to do.If he comes around, we know that he wasn’t beyond hope. But, one warning. While you are joining his fears, you will be denying your need for commitment. So, make sure that you set a time-limit for yourself–for example, you might say to yourself, I will join him for 6 months or a year. And, if he doesn’t come around by then, I will give up on him so that I don’t end up denying what I need forever.Lots of luck. Let me know how he responds.
