Hi Dr Love,My husband works with a woman that he likes very much. He says that they are just friends and that ‘s all. I am trying to believe that with all my heart! I think the reason I have trouble believing him is I found out that he was saving voicemail messages of her that had nothing to do with work!. . . . . . . . . . saving them for months at a time! They weren’t romantic in the secne that she said I love you or anything like that! They were messages that told him he’s a great guy and he always takes the time to talk with her. Also they would be very flirty! Telling him how good he does his work. . . . . . . . . . asking him for help on her personal family problems. . . . . . . . . . etc.She has made it quite clear that her and her own hubby no longer get along! He has promised to stay away from her and says he now has little contact with her! I wonder how that could be when they both work in the same office even though there offices are far apart! They still every now and then work on a project together! The problem I have with this is, he never tells me anything! I wonder If I should just leave him alone and not ask him questions? He says I must trust him! It is so hard to do!I often wonder if it’s her, that I don’t trust! But, at times, I think it’s him I really don’t trust! Can trust be rebuilt! I’d like to add one more thing! In the past he has fallen in love with another office girl and when confronted I asked him if he loved her. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and he said yes! He loved us both! That was about 18 year’s ago! He said that he never had a friend that was a women growing up and that he didn’t see it coming! He worked with her and started to like her a lot! I really believe nothing happened back then . . . . . . . . . . . but that it was just platonic. This is taking such a toll on my health! I hate it! I really think because this has happened in the past. . . . . . . that history may repeat it self! Either I trust him or I don’t! I would appreciate any advice you have. Thanks for listening!
I totally understand your doubts and fears and can see why you have them. I suspect that your husband, like most men, is drawn to this woman because she bolsters his ego. Believe it or not, research shows that when men have affairs it is not usually because they want sex but because their lover makes them feel better about themselves.After many years of marriage, it is easy for a wife to take for granted what is good about her mate, or nag him about what he is not doing properly. This nagging erodes a man’s ego and makes him ripe pickings for an affair. If I were you, I would ask him what he receives from his relationship with this office girl that is lacking in your marriage. Since you want to save this marriage, you need him to be honest with you, no matter how painful. I would look upon this threat of an affair as a blessing in disguise. You have been offered a warning bell, a relationship wake-up call. And, I can bet you that when you start praising your husband for his actions and efforts, he won’t need to be buoyed up by any other woman. (A recent research has proven that happily married couples maintain a five to one ratio of positive to negative communications per day.What that means is that for every one negative interaction or communication, there are five positive interactions or communications to offset the negative. If this ratio isn’t maintained, the marriage dissolves (or an affair occurs). So, ask your husband what is missing in your marriage (focus away from the other woman and back on him and you), and make it your business to maintain that five to one ratio. Good luck and let me know what happens.
