my spouse and i are having a problem. He wants anal sex and i don’t.i have tried it with him several times and have found it hurts to much i have tried to explain this to him but he doesn’t care he still wants it. i have also tried to tell him that it makes me feel degraded and i don’t do anything but cry while it’s happening but he won’t listen.what should i do?
You are being victimized.I can tell you all kinds of words or phrases for saying no, but the real issue is that you are in a relationship in which you are being abused. You need to find out: why you have married (or stay with) such a person; how his violation of you recreates relationships in your first family.Either your parents ran over your feelings or you watched one of your parents running over the other. Realize that people who have been victimized in childhood tend to recreate the pattern of vicitimization in adulthood.I am not saying that you are responsible for his mistreatment of you, but you are responsible for allowing it to continue. What are you doing to allowing him to mistreat you?First, you are condoning his behavior. How? You allow him to perform oral sex on you and you cry all the while. This is passive, victimized behavior. You aren’t supposed to allow anyone to treat you in a way that feels harmful.You need to be in individual therapy, working on why you don’t feel entitled or able to put your foot down and refuse him the anal sex. Realize that recreating past abuse is very common. It’s all you know (we are creatures of habit) and it gives you a chance to release the old feelings of victimization way back when.Only one problem. Instead of feeling released, you are being victimized all over again. You also should be in marital therapy. He needs to find out why he behaves in such inconsiderate ways and he needs to learn how to take your feelings into account.I know that you don’t have a voice in your head that tells you, ‘No one may mistreat me ever again.’ Abused people need to acquire that voice. Borrow mine in the meanwhile. There is much to be done.Start therapy today.
