i don’t even know where to start. my husband and i have been together for almost six years now. its been a rough ride and two children later, an emotional one as well.he has not been the best husband by any means. until the birth of my daughter, 7 months ago, i had denied any bad feelings towards him. i have been so unhappy for so long. . . i thought that was how it was supposed to be until february of this year.my husband drinks too much and was always passing out on the couch sometimes even before the kids went to bed.i started talking to one of our neighbors (his best friend) about life in general over the computer and before we knew it we had fallen for each other in a big bad way. now it is totally against all my morals and beliefs to commit adultery, but i did it. i had an affair with my husbands best friend. . . . my husband found out and freaked. started slamming his head into everything solid in the house, knocking himself out a few times. also locked himself in a room with a knife.needless to say, my home was the setting for a few cops episodes a month ago.to make a long story short, we agreed to try and work things out. . . . i agreed to break all contact off with the other man, and he agreed to make some changes.ne month later, here i am still thinking about the other man, still extremely unhappy. i am not attracted to my husband and everytime he kisses me i feel nauseous. when he touches me i tense up. i hate feeling this way and i can not live like this. i just don’t know what to do.am going to school for psychology–marriage and family counseling (how ironic) and i know that my feelings are not healthy and i need to get help. i also know that these feelings stem from all the wrong things hes done in our relationship. . . . from physical violence, unfaithfulness, drunken rudeness, angry all the time, emotional abuse, to little things like not picking up his socks and not taking on his share of the housework and child rearing.please help me. . . . im afraid its over and i really want to start again with someone who can respect me and my kids from the beginning.my husband is intent on making it work, but all hes doing is driving me up the wall. . . . is there hope, or am i just too stuck on being without him?thank you
It sounds like you have already moved on. The only thing that seems to be holding you back is guilt. That’s not a good enough reason to stay in a relationship.You need to find out why you are holding yourself back and why you feel obligated to stay with someone who has mistreated you for so long. If you soul search, you will find the answer lies in your earliest childhood experiences. First figure out how life with an abusive partner recreates a childhood experience. You also need to figure out how your guilt figures in the equation. He has abused you and you feel guilty to leave! What’s that about?I can tell you that most abused kids feel that they deserve to abused. This turning the blame back on oneself is self-preservation. It’s safer to blame the self than to blame an abusive parent! Is that what you have been doing with your husband.I think that we are on to something since you said in your letter that you denied your anger toward. That fits the profile of an abused child. Figure out how your guilt relates to your early life. Also realize that people who feel guilty are filled with anger. In response, the mind arranges to punish you for being a bad, angry person.When you figure out where your guilt comes from and how it relates to your history, you will be free.Meanwhile, be careful. I know you believe that your new boyfriend won’t be abusive to you. But, you have remained with an abusive husband for years, meaning that this relationship has met your needs, albeit unconscious needs. Unless you have worked through the dynamics that led you to choose and stick with an abuser, you will find yourself drawn to another abuser. So beware.Let me know how you make out.
