I am really in a bind… I have been in a relationship for over a year now with who I feel is a wonderful man. Well on our 1st year together aniversary, he tells me that he would like to have a 4some.Well, right when we are having sex… then he tells me later, that he did not mean it, that he could not tolerate any man touching me… Then he confessed that he had a one night stand with a woman, who he does not know and was drunk doing it. he did not use drinking as an excuse however, I feel very betrayed and hurt over this…. I have found it in me to forgive him, but I wonder what this is all about… I know deep in my heart that he loves me, but whats going on…I have to say that he was abused sexually as a child till he was 11 by his aunt, and was emotionally abused even to this day by his family whom he worships…. I am always 2nd to everyone in his family and it is always for them. Lately he has tried hard to change things, but there is a deep fear that he will do this again… I mean the screwing around…I am in therapy, and he was too until a fight where he said he did not want to go any longer.. I figured it was helping him… How can I left him see he needs to address things instead of suppressing them which he is sooo good at? Please help me… I am at my wits end with all of this…. I beg for an answer and your opinion matters to me.
You have good reason to be worried.Your question to me is how can you get your husband to see that he suppresses his feelings. In actuality, he doesn’t suppress his feelings, he acts on them: He was angry at his therapist, and instead of talking it out, he went into action and dumped the therapist. He got drunk one night, felt horny and acted on those feelings. His every feeling is translated into impulsive actions; and, what’s even scarier, he has stopped working on himself in therapy! So, you do need to be worried.Let’s digress a moment, and talk about you. You mentioned that you are second to his family. If you’ve been reading my column for a while you know that our unconscious minds recreate patterns that we experienced in our first families. For example, if a person felt second-classed, invisible, undervalued, rejected, or fearful of being dumped by his or her first family, then it would be normal to marry someone that maintains those feelings. We all marry partners that keep us in the painful emotional corners of childhood. (See my Advice Archives under: Unfinished Business and Repetition Compulsion for more discussion on why we repeat the painful experiences of childhood.)Why am I talking about how your marriage to your husband may be recreating an earlier pattern from your childhood? Because, we need to make sure that your unconscious isn’t sending your husband the message that he can second-class you. We must find out if there is anything that you are saying or doing (or not saying and/or not doing) that would let him think that you will accept his placing his family ahead of you, or tolerate his cheating on you? Silent acceptance alone is sufficient to reinforce another person’s behavior.You need to make sure that you aren’t, unwittingly, letting him know that he can mistreat you, second class you, even cheat on you. We must find out if there is anything you are saying or doing anything that would make him think that he can treat you like a doormat. As long as your husband thinks that he can get away with murder–cheat, quit therapy, then you have good reason to fear that he will cheat again.In order to protect yourself from this danger, you need to get the point across to him that you won’t tolerate his cheating on you. And, he also needs to know that you expect him to continue in treatment. You can even explain to him you won’t feel safe in this marriage until he has resolved his pattern of acting out.Until you entitle yourself to put your foot down with him and set limits, he will run amok, and you will be in great danger.
