Hi! I have a question, and I’m not sure if I am just being sensitive or if I’m having valid feelings about this.I’ve been seeing this guy for 9 months and everything’s great except one thing: when he greets a female friend, he kisses her on the mouth. I saw him do it about 2 months into the relationship and it really upset me, so I told him and he didn’t understand at all. I tried to explain to him that if I kissed all my male friends on the mouth it would probably bother him and he agreed. So, I thought he got the message.the mouth again. When he saw that I was upset, he swore that he’d kissed the SIDE of her mouth because he knew that it bothered me. My problem is that I don’t want him to stop because it bothers me; I want him to stop because he understands and agrees with me.I don’t know how to handle this and I need an unbiased opinion. Please help! And thanks!
Are You Getting a Kiss Off? I can see why you are upset.Hisbehavior is what is called a symbolic communication. When he puts hislips on other women’s mouths, in front of you, he is definately sendingyou a message. And, you are getting that message loud and clear. Youfeel hurt, threatened, and so on. Focus on your exact feelings. Theseare the feelings that his behavior is inducing in you.Next, youneed to find out why he wants you to feel this way. In many cases, ourpartners will induce inside of us the feelings that they can’t standinside themselves. For example, if I am mad, and don’t want to be mad,I will say or do something to push your buttons, and voila, now you arecarrying my anger for me!So, back to your feelings. Are youfeeling threatened that he will leave you for another woman? Then wehave to assume that he is the one who is scared to be dropped, so hearranges to have you be the one who is scared to be left.Seewhere I’m going with this. He is running a number on you instead ofowning up to his own feelings and issues. He needs to own the messagehe’s sending, and put that message into words. Is he telling youthat he wants to keep his options open? Is he saying that he likes toboost his ego by seeing you jealous over him? He said himself that hewould feel upset if you did the same, so why does he want you upsetwith him? Is he mad at you? Is he punishing or torturing you forsomething? Is he pissed off at another woman, and displacing his angeronto you?Or, is he, as I said above, dumping his unwanted feelings of fear that you would drop him onto you? Keep making him take responsibility for what his behavior is telling you? How you should interpret the message. How he wants you feel about it. Don’t get sidetracked onto trying to squash the kissing behavior. It won’t work. This is because the underlying issue that’s fueling the behavior hasn’t been identified and worked through, which means that the behavior won’t stop.Let me know what you figure out.