I have been with her for last 8 months and spend most of my time with her to help her with her needs.
I expressed her that I like her when in my initial days of our meeting. She told me she doesn’t have any feelings on me. She didn’t stop me there but took my help for her physical needs like taking her out. I support her and encourage her and advice her to improve herself. She doesn’t care what I say and calls me if she need anything. She takes me granted. I am patient I take her scolding.
What can I do just for at least getting respect and value from her? She doesn’t give the respect and value that’s she gives for her friends.
You are being abused by this person. Can you see that you are trapped in a revolving door? You are rewarding her with love, attention, hoping to win her respect. The more she mistreats you, the more you give. On the most superficial level, you must realize that continuing to give to someone who dumps on you reinforces her bad behavior. Essentially, you are telling her dump on me and I’ll give you more good treatment.
What you need to understand is why you are doing what you are doing. It’s said that 95% of our actions are driven by unconscious motivations. It’s impossible to break free of actions that are unconsciously motivated. First, I want to help you to realize what is motivating you.
You are locked in what is called the Repetition Compulsion. This compulsion is an unconscious pattern of repeating the Old Scar we suffered in childhood, hoping for a different outcome this time around.
Stay with me.
All children who are abused believe that the abuse they suffer is their fault. This is because all kids think they are the center of the universe. Whatever happens is because of them. If they are being abused by a parent, it’s because they deserve the abuse.
Kids also are driven by omnipotent (all powerful) fantasies combined with magical thinking. This means that abused kids also believe that they have the magical power to fix their abusive parent. So, abused kids generally try really hard to be good and giving and loving, magically believing that their efforts will cure the parent, enabling the parent to finally bring them the love and appreciation they crave.
When our efforts to fix the parent and win their love fail, we feel like failures. And, instead of giving up, we try even harder. This repetitive pattern of trying to fix the damaged and abusive parent carries into adulthood. And, we become involved with partners who are limited and damaged the way our parent was. The fantasy is that if we can manage to fix our partners, and they love and respect us, we will feel as though we received the love and respect from our parents, and our Old Scar will be healed. Sounds good on paper, but it never works out the way we hope because our partners carry the same emotional problems as our parents did, which means our partners cannot give us more or better than our parents did. But the need to heal is so strong, that we never want to stop trying to fix our partners. That would feel like giving up all hope of healing our original wound. So, we stay in the ring and keep giving, hoping that one day we will finally win the love and respect.
I hope you now see that you are trapped in a Repetition Compulsion, and trying to get this woman to respect you is an unconscious attempt to fix the parent who abused and disrespected you.
You will never win this woman’s love and respect because SHE is damaged goods. She is abusive and incapable of loving another person.
You will never heal, nor will you ever be respected by another person, so long as you permit this woman to repeat the abuse you suffered as a kid. In fact, every time you give to her and she abuses you, you are worsening your original Old Scar and making it that much harder to heal.
At this point, the love and respect that you need must come from yourself. You must heal this poor abused child that lives inside you. Please read Kiss Your Fights Goodbye, which fully outlines how to heal the Old Scars we all drag with us from childhood and repeat in our adult relationships.
I wish you healing and love. When you heal this Old Scar, you will no longer be attracted to or willing to tolerate a person mistreating you the way she does. You will attract a partner who loves and respects you as you love and respect yourself.