My boyfriend is very conservitive and he always wants to ‘be sure’ of everything he does. We’ve been living together for a year now and he is afraid to get engaged because he is scared to get married because he doesn’t ever want to get a divorce.I know he loves me and cares about me very much. I am the first person he has ever had any relationship with. I was his first kiss, first everthing. so my question is, is he afraid of commitment because he’s never been in a long relationship before, or is he just scared of commitment period?
Dear ‘Why is He Thinking About Divorce Before We’ve Walked Down the Aisle?’ Bottom line, this guy is not sure that the relationship will last. The big question is this.Is he afraid because something isn’t working for him in your relationship, hence his sixth sense that you guys won’t make it for the long haul. Or, does he have a deeper issue that goes beyond your relationship. In other words, does he have a fear of rejection or abandonment, which would exist no matter how great the relationship with you is.To find out you need to ask questions. To rule out the first option, ask him if he has doubts about the relationship with you. Is there something that isn’t working for him?If he gives you information, then work on the relationship problems that he has identified. Once they are resolved, then he should come around. If he says that the relationship is fine, then you need to help him see that his fears are coming from a deeper source.To get him to see this you might say, ‘Can you think of anything that happened when you were younger that might explain why you aren’t sure that we will stay together.’ If you can get him exploring and talking, you will probably hear something about his being afraid that his father or mother would leave him or each other. Or, perhaps he may tell you about an actual abandonment that he experienced when he was young.Bottom line, he learned that love isn’t lasting. We need to find out where he got that idea. Once he identifies the source of his feeling, keep him talking about it. And, at the same time, remind him of how you are different from the person(s) who left or threatened to leave. This should help resolve the issue.If he doesn’t come around soon, then therapy would be in order.Good luck.