I have heard that the ‘feeling’ of love is nothing more than a chemical in our bodies that make us attracted to others with the similar chemical. If this is true, could someone ‘run out’ of the chemical? I have been with my guy for 7 years. The first 2 or 3 years were ‘white hot’. Now I can barely let him touch me.I feel secure when I am with him and do not want to break up with him. Whenever I think about doing so, my head reels out of control. I can’t think about my life without him. He does every thing right. He is thoughtful, kind and gives me most anything that I need.So why don’t I want to marry him and why am I no longer attracted to him in a physical way. This is painful for both of us. When I think of him possibly being with someone else I feel like dying.Where did my feelings go and what are the feelings that I am experiencing now. If I had an explanation I could solve this mystery and get on with my life.
What a mystery. You went from being passionate to barely letting him touch you. If you read your letter out loud, you will see that you are in great internal conflict. You say you don’t want to break up with him, so then why are you thinking about doing it? You have no passion for him, yet feel like dying at the thought of his being with someone else.It sounds to me like you are actually terrified by your attachment to him. More specifically, you are terrified to lose him. This terror is evidenced to me by your comments that the mere thought of this makes your ‘head reel out of control’; and your saying that you feel like dying at the thought of his being with someone else.In other words, you are scared to death to lose this man. Now how would this fear of losing him relate to your odd loss of passion. I think that your white hot passion for him was too scary for you. To have such a strong feeling for another person only intensifies the fear of losing such a love.One way that the unconscious mind deals with this terror is by mobilizing various defense mechanisms that serve to dilute your sense of attachment. Your loss of sexual desire is, I believe, the way that your unconscious mind has chosen to dilute your attachment to him. Being cut off and detached is designed to protect you so that if and when he leaves you won’t suffer as much.Unfortunately, the defense mechanism is backfiring bigtime because instead of protecting you in the future, it is ruining your life in the present. You are dead sexually and not enjoying your ‘ride’ with this man. . . in more ways than one. The only way to reclaim your sexual feelings is to understand that you are in the grips of an unconscious defense mechanism that is deadening you in a futile effort to protect you from the pain of loss. Try to figure out the origin of this fear. Were you abandoned as a child? Was one of your parents abandoned?When you figure out where the fear comes from, you can begin talking about the trauma that you suffered. Talking is the main way that such feelings and fears are worked through. If identifying the origin of your fear and talking with your boyfriend about it doesn’t free you, then it’s time to do some therapy.
