I have been dating for quite some time and have really hit a wall recently. Most of the people I have dated, have been ‘whirlwind’ guys-they come into my life real fast, and then they are out of it real fast.Most of the times I am the one that is ending the relationship.Recently, I have made a decision to start off as friends with guys and take things slowly, because in the past, things have moved quite fast on the physical level. But I am not able to do it. I get caught up in the attraction, and the idea of being cared for, and end up in the same pattern.I don’t know what to do and have run out of ideas. I appreciate your input on this. Thank you.
Any time you find yourself the victim of a pattern that you can’t control you can be sure that the unconscious part of your mind is recreating some traumatic aspect of your early life. The purpose of the recreation is to work for a resolution to the original emotional injury.See my Advice Archives under Repetition Compulsion and Unfinished Business for more on this subject.For you to figure out what piece of your history is being recreated, draw an outline of the pattern: You get involved quickly, craving to be cared for, and then you dump them fast. Only to start the cycle over again.It sounds to me like you didn’t feel adequately loved as a kid. I also think that abandonment figures into your story as well. If you didn’t feel sufficiently loved as a kid, then it would make sense that you would feel starved for love as an adult. And, if you were abandoned as a kid it would also make sense that you be terrifed of becoming close to anyone as an adult.This would explain your pattern of dumping your lovers. You dump them before they get around to dumping you. When you figure out exactly what part of your childhood is being played out here, then you will need to talk to me or another therapist in order to work through the feelings attached to the original wound.If you talk it out in therapy, you won’t need to play the wound out over and over again in real life. Figuring out what is being replayed from your past, is your first step to healing.Let me know what you discover.
