Dear Doctor,I’m a 38 year old man. I don’t date because I’m terrified of rejection. I’ve been looking for work since January, so I don’t have a lot of money to take a woman out any place too expensive. I don’t even have a car to pick a woman up in, and I know that ‘s a major turn off to women.To make things worse, I’m short, I’m fat, and I’m Black, and I find myself attracted to White and Latino women. But what woman of any race would want to go out with a loser like me? I’m so lonely.I know I’m a nice guy, but I don’t have anything to offer a woman. I’ve never even had sex, and I try not to think about it because it makes me even more depressed.I just wish I could find a woman with a gentle nature and a kind heart. Is there something wrong with me?
What’s wrong with you is your self-loathing. Your letter was one long self bashing exercise. Self-bashing isn’t attractive to women.You aren’t ready to date until you feel better about yourself. Find a group therapy in your area and start talking about how you feel about yourself. You are going to soon discover that your self-attack is a cover for a tremendous amount of anger toward others, starting with your parents.You need to know that people who feel like victims are really furious. The victim who bemoans his fate is really pointing the finger at others (most especially your parents) and saying, ‘look how you bastards hurt me and ruined me.’ When you are able to own your anger, you stop beating up on yourself and you get out of the victim role.Once you stop feeling like a victim, you put out different vibes that make you attractive to women and employers, and before you know your life is changed. So take the first step and join a therapy group. The local United Way, Catholic Charities or Department of Mental Hygiene can point you to free groups in your area.Let me know how you make out.
