This question was accidentally erased. Dr. Jamie reposted it under her own name.
I have had crushes all my life, and I even fell in love once.
Some months ago, I casually met this guy, and somehow, something just clicked from the first couple times we interacted. Heck, from the very first time we did, I said something funny and he snort-laughed and I just knew.
He just felt like home straightaway. He went on holiday after the third time we spoke and I already missed him. I feel like I need to have him around and when he’s not there I miss him like crazy. He’s the nicest, most wholesome person ever, and I feel like I belong with him. At first I felt this more in a platonic way, then it became romantic.
He seemed to have some similar thing going on, but he’s in a complicated relationship so things are quite messy.
The thing is, I have no clue what’s happening to me. It can’t be love, I don’t know him that well, but at the same time, I’ve never felt this way for anyone. It’s not even sexual (I’m asexual), it’s just…him, as a human being, is someone I can’t be without, and I want to see happy (which he isn’t at the moment, and it breaks my heart).
Part of me supposes it’s just an obsession- why? I don’t know. He’s from my same country (I live abroad), but I’m quite sure that’s not the reason why. It’s not even because he’s nice to me, because I had plenty of people being nice to me and I never felt like this.
Part of me thinks that there must be a reason why I felt like this straight away? Like I loved this human being to pieces? Call it destiny or whatever…
I just don’t understand what these feelings are and why they are here, and I feel like I’m going insane!
I hear that your feelings are intense and that you feel you are going insane. Strong feelings make us feel like we’re going nuts, even though we are not!
It is said that when we instantly feel at home with someone it’s because he/she unconsciously reminds you of a significant figure from childhood—usually mom or dad!
In fact, we all tend to fall in love with life partners who remind us of our first love, which is usually mom, but could also be dad.
And, amazingly, it’s said that the unconscious mind is able to download everything about another person within three minutes. I mean everything. We know how that person will treat us, what will happen in the relationship down the line, etc..
What’s more, the unconscious draws us to people who will recreate the wound(s) we suffered as kids. When we meet someone who emotionally resembles a parent, all the bells and whistles go off. We can feel instant love, passion and at home. The unconscious recognition of the similarity between the parent and the newly met person can explain the instant and intense connection.
The fact that you feel this way toward a man who is attached to another person suggests that you’re feeling love for a parent, since our parents belong to their spouse.
For example, I have a male patient who adored his father, a very charismatic and seductive person. My patient developed such a passion for his father that he dreamed of winning his dad away from his wife, my patient’s mother. This pattern became the blueprint for his lifelong love attachments in which he always falls for people who are charismatic, married and unavailable.
Our early experiences create a blueprint for our future relationships.
Think back to your childhood.
Did you absolutely adore your dad?
Did you know that all human children from every country and culture fall in love with the parent of the opposite sex (especially if we’re straight) and we dream of winning that person away from the other parent? I’ve spoken about this before. For most of us, we resolve this love triangle by giving up the hope of winning the parent and, instead, we grow up and choose a partner like that parent.
You also mentioned being asexual. Some define being sexual as a lack of sexual attraction to others or a low interest in sexual activity. Others consider asexuality to be their sexual orientation. Yet others speak of asexuality as an absence of sexual orientation. In other words, the term means different things to different people.
You sound at peace with being asexual.
I resist assigning labels only because they can limit us by closing the door to examination. When we assign a label, it’s like saying that is the way I am. End of discussion. I mention all this because there could be psychological factors connected to your asexuality that are outside your conscious awareness. These factors have the power to affect all kinds of bodily functions that influence hormones, and extinguish sexual desire. The point being, even our sexuality or asexuality doesn’t exist in a vacuum that is separate from our emotional experiences.
For example, I have known people who have had emotionally incestuous relationships with their parents, and their unconscious minds turned off their sexuality in order to protect them from committing actual incest. This is just an example of how our psychological selves can impact our sexual selves.
I encourage you to allow yourself to be open to all lines of internal inquiry to help you develop a deeper understanding all the layers that this passion for this man means to you.
I’ve given you a lot to reflect upon. And the questions will lead you in the right direction.
