Okay Dr. Love here’s the deal. I have been with this guy for 5 years. I have 4 children from a previous marriage. I consider mysself to be a smart, friendly person. I mean I have alot of friends. I love my kids and my Lord.But I find myself struggling in this relationship. We started dating 5 years ago. He was so sweet, I thought then too sweet. I tried to break up with him in the beginning. . . because he was too nice. That scared me. my ex was abusive. Well then he cried and brought me a rose, so I gave him another chance.About a year later I tried to break up with him and he came up to my job with blood all over him. He had carved my name in his leg with a razor in my car! ! I was scared and thought good ridens, but everyone at work said that he only did that because he was hurting so bad inside and that he didn’t know how to express his feelings.So guess what i gave him another chance. Stupid? I felt like I could try to make it work. I can’t say that I have ever been Happy in this relationship. Only Okay. We were recently married because I couldn’t go on living with him and not being married I want my kids to see whats really right and he wasn’t going to leave. So I just married him.I know that I am never going to be Happy with him because I don’t think he CAN change. Do some people just live together and never really be in Love. See I always wanted to love to kiss and Love to make Love. . . I hate it all right now, I don’t even hold his hand. I ask him if it bothers him he says, yes. But he never does anything about it.He is a slob, lazy hasn’t worked in 4 years (worker’s comp) but he refuses to clean the house or have any of the responsiblity in running the house but I work 40+ hours and he justs sits in his chair watching tv. He has gained upwards of 100 pounds in those 4 years.I think that I might have had some kind of love for him once. But I know that I only tolerate him now and barely. I wish he would just be kind and leave. But he won’t, because he is selfish and he might hurt himself if I make him leave. Would that be my fault, I mean I let him stay all this time and if he hurt himself I would feel guilty.I already have 4 kids I didn’t need a 5th. I needed a man not a selfish boy. How can I end this. See, before my ex he hit me. . . it was easier because I had to leave for my safety. . . this time I am not the one who needs to leave. . . and this time its for my sanity. .he should leave. . . Right? If he loves me like he says he does then he would leave. . . because he refuses to even do a little better. . . I am so depressed. . I feel lost. . . I can’t be lost I have 4 babies to lead through this world! !Please just tell me how to do this thing that I dread! ! What if he hurts himself? He says he would rather be dead than to be alone. Should I be miserable because he threatens that? Its just not even fair.All I want is to be happy. I do deserve that you know.Please Advise,Wendy the Lost
Threatening to kill himself if you leave is your husband’s way of making you his emotional hostage. Beneath his seeming passivity and helplessness is an inferno of rage. This guy is saying ‘I am entitled to be taken care of. The world owes me and my wife owes me.’Such an entitlement syndrome comes out of childhood deprivation. Obviously it isn’t your job in life to caretake to him at your own expense. It is your God given right to be happy. If you felt entitled to seek out your own happiness, you would have ended the relationship long ago.I don’t know if it’s your religiosity that makes you selfless or family upbringing or both, but you are going to need to take a hard look at this. Your selflessness is ruining your life. The only way for you to break free is to go to a couples therapist together. In session, lay out your wish to leave and then state that he has threatened to kill himself if you go. Once the matter is on the table, if he does become suicidal, he will have a therapist who can have him hospitalized if he makes his threats a reality.It isn’t your job to live in a prison so that he can continue living in his own emotional jail. He needs help and making contact with a therapist is the first step.As for you, join a therapy group in your area. These relationships will give you the strength to do what you need to do for yourself, despite your guilt feelings.Keep in mind that guilt and anger are closely tied. I think that you are feeling guilty because of how angry you are with him. The group will help you to become more comfortable with your angry feelings as well as your guilt. The bottom line is you are going to have to feel guilty in order to leave him. You have a resistance to this particular feeling, which is why you avoided breaking up with him and why you married him.It’s time for you to face this resistance and resolve it, otherwise you will be a prime target for future guilt trips from him or subsequent husbands.
