my name is Nikole. . . and I’m a single mother of a 3 month old girl. . . . . I met this guy named joel when i was 5 months along. . . and we fell in love. . or so i thought. . i know i love him. . . . .We spent allot of time together he introduced my to his family. . . and said we would get married. . . . . after i had my baby. . . we were still together and he introduced the baby to everyone like she was family. . . I loved him so much. . . . . his family all liked me and loved the baby. . we were looking into geting our own place. . . and made all kinds of long term plans.Then one day after 5 hours of work he came home said he needed to talk to me and called it all off. . . left and moved back home with his folks. I was so upset i didn’t know what to say. . .I just cried for hours. . . . we did have our fights but it was over little stuff and was settled. . . . . he told me he could no longer handle everything and left me. . . and the baby he loved so much as to call her family before she was born. . (she is not his). . . .I don’t know what to do. . . I want him back so badly. . he’s all I think about. . . . he told me that he had things to work out and wanted to get back together after he got his life together. . . . but i have heard this before and nothing became of it. . . . I just need some advice as to how to make him see my love and try to get him back. . . .Please help me get back my love. .
The only thing that you can do is get him talking. Ask him to give you a detailed explanation of what he couldn’t handle in the relationship. Tell him that the issues that bothered him in the relationship will never be solved by his leaving.Relationship issues can’t be solved by distance or by one partner alone. Relationship issues require the input of both parties. So, tell him that you need him to let you know what you said or did that was so overwhelming to him. Also, get him to translate exactly what feelings he was running away from.The leaving, you see, is a way of escaping intolerable feelings. Was he very angry with you? Did he leave to protect you from his rage? Get him talking, and you are on the path to healing the relationship. If he says that he has personal issues to work out, then I would ask him why he needs to leave the relationship in order to do his self work. Why doesn’t he feel that he can continue his growth while being with you? He needs to explain this to himself and to you.The point is, life is constantly causing us to grow and evolve as individuals. If he feels that he has to exit the relationship each time he has some growing to do, he’s going to be leaving all the time! A final note of caution.You made the comment that you have heard other partners tell you that they will return to you after a temporary separation, only to find that they never returned. This sounds like a pattern in your life. You really need to examine why your unconscious may be choosing men who leave you when the going gets rough.Are you replaying a wound from childhood? Did a parent leave you, promise to return and never did? See my Advice Archives under repetition compulsion and unfinished business to see if you are replaying a childhood wound, hoping to achieve a happy ending. If this is true, your unconscious will keep drawing you to abandoners, in the hope that the ‘abandoner’will finally return to you. If this happens, you will feel that you have healed the original wound.But, abandoners are abandoners are abandoners. Meaning that if you choose these types of partners, you aren’t going to achieve a resolution to your childhood wound. You are just going to get abandoned over and over again.My point is, we can say all the right things to your boyfriend, and he may even come back. But, if he’s an abandoner, he will leave again and again, unless he is willing to also work on himself and break this pattern.Let me know what happens, and take care.
