Hello Dr. ,I did reconnect with my childhood sweetheart from over 25 years ago. We have gone on a few dates.I agree with your paradigm that we often tend to heal childhood wounds through present relationships. I am a textbook example. I am aware that I only desired a romantic relationship with this ex as one way to heal the broken ties with my now deceased father.The ex lives with a lady. He has expressed that he would like to have an ‘affair’ with me. Of course I declined. I will not be any man’s woman on the side. Plus I try to respect other women’s territory. I wanted to have a closer platonic friendship with him, but he only contacts me ever so often – not enough for friendship building. Now I simply want to drop the friendship cold and not be in contact at all.My question to you is how do I just stop returning his infrequent calls and emails and walk away without feeling the need to put closure on our relationship? I would most like to have one last heart to heart with him and mutually agree to end the friendship with no hard feelings.I so need him to know that it hurts me to keep in contact with him because I still hold out hope that we can be together as a couple or as good, close platonic friends. Neither option has or is happening.So do I stop the communication cold or set up one last date for closure’s sake?Thank you for your time.
I understand that this man is your unavailable father to the tenth power. He wants a fling with you on the side, but won’t commit to you in any way. He can’t even commit to a close friendship. This is too painful for you and you want to end the relationship. One part of you wants to just stop contact, but another part of you seems to want a final meeting with him.In order to resolve your conflict you need to understand why you resist just walking away. I think that the part of you that wants the final meeting is the part of you that wants to tell this man what you couldn’t tell your father–that he’s unavailable and that he’s hurting you. Your strong urge to have this closure is your unconscious mind’s wish to achieve closure with your father.If your instincts tell you that it would be healing for you to have this final tete a tete, then by all means do so. Make sure that you have no expectations that your friend respond in any given way. If you come into the meeting with an expectation, you will be very disappointed. Your friend isn’t capable of giving you a relationship or friendship, so he won’t likely be able to give you the emotional response and understanding you need in your final meeting.So have the meeting simply so that you say what you want to say–to take care of yourself. That’s your closure.Let me know what happens and how you feel.
