Hi, I’d like to ask for your advice:I’m a 40 yr old man who’s been divorced for 5.5 yrs now. I am a vegetarian, and am having a difficult time meeting a female vegetarian to date an hopefully end up in a committed relationship with. About a year ago, I belonged to a dating correspondence group in vermont. I wrote to a woman who lives fairly close to my town, who happened to be vegetarian and Russian. When I received a letter back, it was from a man named Bruce, who claimed he was her friend and was’looking’ out for her in the USA. He encouraged me to write back and I did..even though I was a bit skeptical. I did receive a letter back from her. I also noticed that her last name was NOT Russian, it was italian.I compared her last name to the address in my work database, and her last name and address matched the previous letter I received from’Bruce’. I called her and discussed this with her, and she said that she never saw bruce’s letter to me, but that he went over to Russia two years previous, and brought her and her daughter to the USA to marry her and take care of both of them.The marriage ‘broke’ down after 2 years. I told her I didn’t date married women, an d for her to call me when she was divorced. A full year passed, and my dad died this Summer. Before his death, he advised me to call’Marina’ back to see what she was up to. I did, and she said her divorce was in the process, and that she had her’green’ card so she was looking for an apartment for her and her daughter. We agreed to have 2 luncheon dates to see how we liked each other. I picked her up at her house, and actually met her husband. It was very awkward, but he was pleasant. I also met marina’s best friend- Natasha. They both made me feel strange, however once I was on the dates with Marina I felt good. After the second date, I was feeling happy because i found marina and I had lots in common. However a few days after our second date, I called Marina to ask her how soon she would leave her husband’s home. She was very quiet, and said that she was afraid. She told me her husband was suddenly’badgering’ her about me. He wanted to know how much money I made, and if I owned a home. Marina asked me to stop dating her, because she was afraid that her husband would use our ‘friendship’ as an excuse to nullify any monetary settlement due her in divorce court. We are and have only been strictly platonic friends. I’d never go further since she is married still.She insists to me that she must get a $000.00 settlement from her husband in order to set up a home for her and her daughter. I told her I understood, and that I would wait and be patient with her situation. I waited 2 weeks to see if she would call me. No calls. I finally called her , and she was friendly. She said she thought I would’ve called her ‘by now’. She said once it is ‘warmer’ we will get together with our kids and go to Newport, Rhode island or the beach. I have now waited another 3 weeks. She makes no attempts to call me, or write me. I understand I can’t date her now, but am I being unreasonable to expect her to at least do her part in nurturing our friendship? I have been the only one nurturing our relationship (if it can be called th at at all). All I expect is for her to call and just say ‘hello’ or write a simple platonic card saying ‘I hope you are well, I was thinking about you.’ But Marina makes no attempts to communicate with me. She told me on the last phone call to her that she ‘could easily fall in love with me’.On our last date she held my arm while we walked through a bookstore. What gives? Is this a game? Is she being sincere? Or is she dating men at this very moment and leaving me on the side in the event she cannot find anyone better? I thought she seemed very sincere, shy, quiet, and kind. She told me her husband is dating constantly to meet someone new. personally I find that revolting, but all I want is for her to stay friends with me, and once the divorce is over I’d like to date her. I know that Russia is a patriarchal society, so maybe she is too shy to call or write me? Please advise.Very lonely in Connecticut.
I think that your loneliness and desire for connection is blinding you from the reality at hand. Because you are lonely for a connection, you are falling for a woman who is telling you in more ways than one that she is not available for a friendship, let alone a romantic attachment. She has not called you herself. She has told you loud and clear that she doesn’t want to risk her $000 settlement by having contact with you. She has declined to say when she will be out of the house.If we back up to the time in which you asked when she was leaving her husband’s house, she told you that her husband had begun badgering her, asking how much money you made, if you owned a home. She never answered the question. It sounds to me as though this woman is much more attached to and dependent on her husband than you might have thought. If she were ready to leave her husband, then she would have given you a date at which she would be out. She didn’t give you that commitment. Moreover, she allows her husband to badger her with questions about you.What does this mean? It sounds like she is living with a controlling father. O.K., so her husband has a problem, but so does she. She is attached to a parental figure that she is not ready to let go of.I understand that you want a friendship, but it doesn’t sound to me like this woman is ready for any outside attachments. Especially if the attachments ruffle her husband’s feathers or jeopardize her settlement.I know that you say you only want friendship now, but you have also said that you want more down the road. If you succeed in obtaining some sort of friendship with this woman now, do you realize the you will fall deeper in love with her as you increase contact?And, what if she never leaves her husband/daddy? Where are you? My point here is that maintaining and deepening involvement with a woman that is so emotionally attached and dependent on another man is dangerous. So, I think you might want to rethink your wish to have a friendship with her, at least while she is living with her husband.If you decide to wait to pursue the friendship, until after she is divorced and out of the house, then you can tell her that you are getting the feeling that she may never leave him. And, then tell her to give you a call if she is ever free.If you do decide to pursue the friendship, do so knowing that she may never actually leave her husband. In other words, the friendship may be all you will ever have and you will need to accept this from the start, in order to protect yourself.Even if you decide to be friends now, you can still ask her to contribute equally to the friendship (she should also call you). If she does not do this, then you will need to decide if it is healthy for you to chase after her friendship. Chasing after someone is a very degrading, self-damaging process.I wish you strength and courage. It is very difficult to pull back from someone that you feel you love, especially when you are lonely. Loneliness makes a person much more vulnerable to falling in love.I hope that, no matter what you decide to do (friendship or not) that you will actively pursue other fulfilling friendships so that you are not so vulnerable to this woman, whose heart clearly belongs to daddy.Good luck.
