Dear Dr. Love,Me and my girlfriend have been together for over two years. Lately we have not been on the best of terms. She is easily aggravated by the things I do and the way I do them. Sometimes she will get so mad and just start yelling. I listen and try not to do things that aggravate her, and I usually resist the temptation to yell back at her, but lately my patients have worn thin and I broke down and argued with her.She is attending college right now that is about four hours away, we do not get to see each other much, but constantally keep in touch with e-mail. She also said she is sorry for venting all her anger out on me, and that I have to take it.But lately she has told me she wants a sex only relationship. Because she has had only one partner ( me) and wants to experiment and have sex with other men. This has torn me in two when I heard this. I love her dearly, and want to keep her.Signed: Very Confused!!
I hear that you love your girlfriend with all your heart and want to keep her. It sounds to me that interpret her wanting to sleep with other men as a sign that you failed her in some way.If I am correct, you also think that if you could improve yourself, you could win her back. The fact that you mentioned her wanting to sleep with other guys right after you admitted that you lost your temper and argued with her for the first time leads me to think that you feel to blame for her wish to sleep with others. But, you didn’t do anything wrong.I ‘m amazed you waited so long before losing it with this girl who had been ‘venting’ on you for so long. What I am about to say will come as a shock to you: This girl has been dumping on you. Yelling at you, venting all her anger on you. And, what is sad is that this seems normal to you.The point here is: I think you are so accustomed to being mistreated that you don’t even recognize mistreatment when it occurs. This explains why you felt so terrible when you finally lost it with her. Since you never realized that your girlfriend had been treating you badly, you felt shame for losing your cool with her.As for your friend wanting to sleep around on you. Once again, the way she expresses her wish sounds like another crack in your jaw. She doesn’t say she loves you and needs a little time to date other guys in order to be sure of her love for you. No, she talks about men, and you, by consequence, as if she were trading socks. I want to try this dick this week and squeeze yours in (no pun intended) when it’s convenient for me.The big question here is: why are you drawn to a girl that treats you so poorly? I don’t know if you watched your parents abuse each other or if you were abused as a kid. Some time in your life you have learned that it’s your job to be mistreated and never balk. You need to figure out where you got the idea that it’s your lot in life to be handled so badly and never rebel. Think back, you’ll realize where this pattern began.It is essential that you recognize where this problem started and begin to work on it. Otherwise, you are going to be in for a miserable love life, not just with this girl but with all women in your future.You ask how you can get this girl back? First off, realize that your girlfriend has been calling all the shots. She dumps on you; she tells you who she will and won’t sleep with. When you beg for her to stay with you, that only makes her feel more empowered to do what she wants. She loves having power over you.So, if you really want her back, stop eating her crap. Instead of telling her that you want her back (in essence, begging), tell her that you’re through with her. That she has been treating you like garbage and that you ‘d have to be crazy to continue under such circumstances. (Obviously you cannot say this unless you truly believe what I have told you: that you are being mistreated. )The type of proactive response (calling your own shots instead of waiting for her to drop the next bomb on you) will be a blow for her. Instead of her doing the dumping, she will learn what it feels like to be on the receiving end of a dump. This will be very therapeutic for her because she will finally realize how her behavior makes you feel.When you say what I suggested, she will also respect you more, which will up the chances that she will want to stay with you. How many people have dared to give her a taste of her own medicine? Trust me, this is what she needs. If you do succeed in winning her back, beware–she will start dumping on you again. So you must be willing to put your foot down with her when she starts venting on you, in order to keep her in line–and maintain your own self-respect. Remember, you deserve better treatment than you have been receiving.