Maybe you can give me insight as to how I might deal with my lover’s need to go to strip clubs and private erotic shows. He writes a column in his magazine, reviewing them. I don’t mind the clubs, but I do mind, VERY MUCH, the private erotic shows since there is participation.My feelings have been made clear to him on this subject. I did not know that there was consentual touching at these shows and up until this last year was ignorant of that fact. When I found out, I got physically ill (nauseous and depressed beyond any measure I have ever felt).I know that my feelings are more than just health related, I realize that I am fearful of a number of things, including the fact that I may not be desirable to him and therefore his reasons for going (to feed this need for better, prettier, younger women) (I realize this is an insecure fear of mine).However, I know that I am extremely desirable to him. His explanation is that it is a *Man* thing. I don’t believe it. My question is, do I have an option?. Must I accept this way of life as standard for a man?In every other aspect of our relationship we have an excellent one. We have been friends for years before we started dating.However, we live in separate continents. I have to be careful how I respond to these fears to him, because I have to understand that we don’t see each other on a regular basis and I should be more understanding of his physical needs.He insists that he goes to these shows purely as a spectator and I trust that he does. I just still have the fears and the nausea every time I know that one of these shows is coming up. Only because I know he may or may not go. It makes me worry all over again.These shows take place on a monthly basis in London. I live here in the US. Do I need to be more assertive in my communication to him regarding these fears of mine? Do I need to have him make a choice?Or is it possible that I am wrong about this and I need to be taught how to accept this as a common behaviour for men and the consequent of how it affects me? I would appreciate a definitive answer. Thank you very much.
I do understand why you are upset. Women often feel threatened, insecure, hurt, rejected and angry when they discover that their lovers and husbands frequent strip bars. You ask me if you should be more assertive in communicating your fears.Have you already explained to him what upsets you about his behavior? Have you told him that you are afraid that he will fall for another, younger, more attractive woman? Is he responsive to your fears? Does he tell you that you are the only one for him?Realize that there will always be other younger, more attractive women out there. That’s reality. And, even if he didn’t frequent strip clubs, as long as he has his sight, he will see these more attractive women on the street, in the movies, etc. .My point being, if you doubt your own attractiveness as a person, and don’t feel confident in your ability to sustain his ongoing interest, you will always worry that he will dump you on your aging behind. And, this fear won’t go away, even if he stops going to clubs.My point is you need to find out why you are so unsure of yourself. Is the long distance relationship adding to your fears, or have you always been afraid of being left for someone better than you? Have you examined how your fear of being dropped relates to your history (your unfinished business)? Did someone drop you during childhood, or did you watch a parent get dropped?Once you examine your piece of this problem, then you can examine your boyfriend’s issues and motives. Putting the strip club activity aside, does he give you any other reason to doubt his devotion and capacity for faithfulness and commitment? Does he have a history of cheating on women?If you can truly say that you believe he is capable of being true to you, then the ball is back in your court. Find out why you don’t feel sure that you can sustain his love. Why do you believe that you are nothing more than the sum of your youthful parts?We do revere youth in this culture, and most women fear being discarded for younger merchandise. However, it would be helpful for you to try to find what is loveable and desirable about yourself, above and beyond your looks.If you find what is worthwhile holding on to, your lover will more likely feel the same way about you. If, however, you think that you are nothing more than the sum of your parts, it will be hard to convince a lover that you have much more than your physical attributes to offer.I would also like you to know that many men frequent strip clubs, or use erotic materials (videos, magazines) as a way of satisfying their biological urge for sexual variety and diversity. Why?So that the human species would thrive, primitive man was hard wired (no pun intended) to seek out as many female sex partners as possible. By impregnating as many women as they could, the survival of the species was insured.Modern day men still experience this primitive urge; however, when a man loves a woman and wants to remain faithful to her, he uses extracurricular activities (sex clubs, videos, etc. ) to satisfy his natural urge for various partners. This is a man’s way of safely and vicariously relieving his urge for variety while still remaining faithful.So, he’s right when he tells you, ‘It’s a man thing.’ Understand and believe what I’m telling you about his activity. At the same time work on feeling better about yourself. When you do, I don’t think his escapades will bother you as much.In order to be relatively comfortable with his activity, you not only need to feel better about yourself, you will also need to get the right feeling about him, that he is trustworthy and true to you. If you don’t get this feeling, then no amount of self-confidence will make you feel comfortable with his sex club stints.
